The Funeral

The only uncle by Ms. Ellie's side died and so there was much "planning" to get down to the country a day before the funeral as it would have been too much for her to do in just one day...glad I did that because even I, a relatively YOUNG foot, felt the effects of the long ride on the bumpy roads.

I personally thought the funeral was too long (anything over 2 hours is ridiculous) imagine how tiresome it was to be sitting on the TOUGH wooden long benches for 4 hours!!!! My butt cheeks changed from red to crimson to blue to purple!!!! The fact that we had driven down on the morning of the funeral made the day even longer.

There were numerous tributes and songs and songs and tributes and each seemed to want to outdo the other in terms of the length of the presentation... Rising Stars (Jamaican version of the "American Idol") would have been able to find a few talented singers as each went up singing their hearts out.  Of course, a few would have failed the auditions as they were singing totally off key and at some points I was convinced the accompanying musicians were confused as to which song the performers were actually singing. Oh we also had one...shall I say..dub poet? He wrote a poem for his grandfather.

Reverend Drucilla, decked in collar and purple (inclusive of hat) gave the remembrance which, for you ignoramuses, is different from the Eulogy (anything to prolong the event I believe). She asked the sole surviving sibling of the twelve children, Ms. Ellie, to stand up so the jam-packed church could see her. She did not sit with the family but at the back which was a good idea.

So after standing for a minute Ms. Ellie "fanned off" Drucilla and sat down (to the chuckles of the congregation). Reverend Drucilla said "Dont fan me off you too out of order" -- all this time Drucilla had a big grin on her face. The good thing is that most of the older ones know that Ms. Ellie doesn't have any manners... the others found it oh so cute that this harmless little grey haired, 80 odd years old woman has such spunk!!...okay so I read too many books....

The funeral wore on too long as the apostolic pastor, who promised to be brief since he "wants to wrap up before the rains came down", kept shouting into the microphone thus giving me an instant headache. I tried to pay attention but was lost as I could not see how repatriation and Africa and black people fit into the sermon or the connection to my uncle…As far as I know my uncle never travelled, I doubt he even had a passport to begin with. Anyway, Ellie’s  back started to hurt and her ankles started to swell so mid-way into the sermon I took her out to stretch out in the car and gave her a snack...poor soul was hungry too!

While outside, I was able to view the colorful sights.  The chemically fair, extensions wearing, naked behind, boobs challenged diva wanna-bes made their appearances. The minis were a disgrace and, much to my surprise, one of them actually went on the platform to read a tribute from a granddaughter who could not attend. She came with her breasts literally popping out of a low-cut blouse that looked 3 sizes too small and a wonderbra that was strong enough to "lift" up the heavyweights and the equally ridiculous "hax- cent" to "motch" --- yes, I spelled them right, okay for those who are a bit challenged to understand the lingo the “hax-cent” is really an accent.

Anyway, her friend/sister/accomplice...whatever she is had on a mini that barely and I mean barely covered her butt! It looked like a black, stretch blouse which the silly girl was trying to lengthen simply by tugging on it, I figure it was a magic dress. Obviously she should have been wearing a floor length dress, out of respect, plus it would cover the numerous markings and I don’t mean stretch marks but marks from having keloid skin and getting cuts when you were a likkle pickney...SOOOOOO disrespectful!!! You would think they were going to a street dance!!! Ahhhhhh bwoy! This is how people dress to go into a church these days...such a shame!

Did I mention that there were also vendors outside peddling their ripe bananas, fudge, ice cream or whatever your little hearts desired? Where were we again?...oh right! We were at a FUNERAL!

It got darker and darker as the heavy clouds gathered overhead and thunders started to roll. Soon the pregnant clouds could hold it no more and gave birth to some SERIOUS rains that came down in buckets…service still not ended yet. Some were caught in the church others drew for their umbrellas and others scrambled to fit in under the tents erected outside to facilitate the spillover. 

As soon the rains eased up the pastors, pallbearers and congregants made a quick bolt from the church into the churchyard for interment. I think to myself, this could have been avoided if the service was over two hours earlier!

It was cold up there in the hills, foggy...and I was dying to get home. I was not remotely interested in the “feast” to follow. Homeward bound as we were truly exhausted!

My main question is: why are funerals so very long these days?