Hysterical Neighbours

"The Lizard"

  ~ Mighty Sparrow

(Those unfamiliar with this song can listen to it here: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RzBfhb7xXNo

Greetings and Salutations!  I trust that you have had a productive day so far and are not seated at your desk fuming as you wonder why 5:00 p.m is taking so long to come.

It's all in the game of life...Sadly  we all can’t be like Queen Ellie who is now taking an afternoon nap. Oh how I grudge her as I am feeling really, really sleepy and have been feeling that way since 11 this morning.

Actually, I would not need to nap if I could just have uninterrupted sleep at nights straight until about 7:00 a.m without screeching cats and all sorts of unrecognizable sounds! Example, this morning, while wrapping up a rather "confusing" dream of friends migrating (btw, these folks dont even have passports or families abroad) I heard "brrrrrr....puttt...puttttt...brrrrr...putttttt..." and thought to myself now how does this sound fit in with this dream? This sound effect is just wrong! Airplanes don’t sound like that!!!

There it is again...this time the sound becomes steady and it really, really begins to get to my core and so I sit up in bed only to realize that it is the sound of a ...weed whacker that is obviously in need of some servicing!!!! Now, WHY on earth would somebody be making noise with a weed whacker before 7:00 a.m.??!!!!!! Sure, you want to cut the grass early before the sun comes out with a vengeance but really, before 7:00 a.m. is just plain unforgivable!!!! I maliciously wish that one of the stones that is flying about (you can actually hear them zinging off the blades) would just knock him on the head and knock some sense into it! But, then again it might knock the little sense he has out! SHEEESH!

If that behaviour from one neighbour is not bad enough try to picture this: I am in the back porch sweeping when I hear a terrible SCREAM! WWWWWWHHHHHHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!! I stop instantly and try to figure out which direction the sound came from! Two minutes later WWWWWWHHHHHHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!! WOOOOOOOIIIIIIIEEEEEE!! This time
two women!! OMG! I wonder what is happening!  It’s coming from the neighbour's house ...Is someone attacking them?? What??!!! After all JamRock has earned the title of Murder Capital of the World...

Then I realize that the sound was moving about...I wonder if they are going to run outside for safety??! What could make a woman or two scream out like that if they were not under attack?? No shouting, no talking just loud screams!!!....What would make them scream???!!! They are hysterical! Did someone just die over there; Did they discover a body??? So I pull the grille and go outside to investigate. It was only 10:00 a.m - nothing to be afraid of really. Halfway down the backyard I hear the screams which sound more like squealing now! ....then the WOOOOOOOIIIIIIIEEEEEE!! Starts again in earnest and, like I said, was moving around-- a moving target! Then, I realize that although the screams are terrifying it has nothing to do with an attack or death at least not on them but probably has to do with a lizard -- my guess it was a croaking lizard...that would explain the nervous laughter after accompanying the inquiries as to whether "...it dead, dont?"...

Now, if they were my friends, I would have volunteered to go over there and get rid of the lizard without all the chilling screams and unnecessary running up and down! After all, I didnt get the title Ellie Washbelly  the Croaking Lizard Slayer for nothing! (I coined my title myself in case you are wondering). See, I have proof. I hold the record for killing the most croaking lizards in one week! 11 and I am sending a picture of my "trophy" lizard that is the BIGGEST one I had to do battle with to date. No, he is not preserved in alcohol formaldehyde or anything -- only digitally.

Now, for my squeamish readers who are afraid of lizards PUH-LEEEZZEE do not proceed to the end so as to look at the lizard. I will not be held responsible if you are forever traumatized by the sight! It took me a full 20 minutes to kill him. It was a running duel and a battle of the wills! I WON and I took his picture as a memento. I showed the old lady the lizard and her comment was "A whey you a go do wid him? Nyam him?" -- That was just rude! So I disposed of the lizard forthwith! 

Imagine hunters get to keep their moose heads and bears and now the world thinks I am crazy for trying to keep a trophy lizard!!!

My name has obviously gotten around in the croaking lizard community and so they no longer keep their conferences on my verandah under the light and have gone back into the "wild" or on someone else's verandah or house to congregate and/or hunt insects...suits me fine!