Woman or Sailor?

Cause, girls, you can't do
What the guys do, no
And still be a lady
                ~ Betty Wright

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vZtkVj3JPaw

As I sit nervously in my “shotta” taxi focusing on reaching my destination in one piece, the driver, who is travelling almost at the speed of light (a slight exaggeration), skillfully dodges the numerous potholes along the way.

His eagle-like vision is sharp and soon the car stops suddenly and hits reverse to pick up a passenger who is talking on her cell phone while walking down the street. She quickly hops in and we take off like an airplane on the runway. “Seems as if I will reach before visiting hour at the hospital is up”, I think to myself.

“A so di lyad bwoy tell yuh? Eeeeh? A so him tell yuh? Him too BLINKIN’ LIE! Him is a dutty $$%%##@@!!* LIAR!! From Ash Wednesday mi a call him cell phone and mi no get him and mi leave plenty message pon di old John Crow phone and him not even call me back!!! If him know wha’ good fi him him betta carry di money come gi’ me!! Me naw stand fi no ##@@!!* foolishness! A 2013 now! Him a tek him money a mine dat UGLY ##@@!!*@@## gyal an’ my son need tings! You know from WHEN me no get a ##@@!!* cent from him? Not even a $500 to **&&%%$$$$! Every time one new phone come out a him dat!! Look from when we together, eeehhh? Look from when???!!! Me an’ him start from scratch when a one so-so jeans him have to **%%$$$ and mi still stay! But, serve me right!! Because Aunty Joy never did like him from day one!! Look how him a behave?!!”

I glance through the side mirror just to confirm whether it was really a woman cursing like a sailor or was it a man dressed like a woman? I have never heard a female utter such offensive speech before! Every sentence is dotted with the foulest words imaginable in our local vernacular. Aside from the fact that she is wearing a leopard print blouse, has in multiple earrings, a nose ring, a piercing over her eyebrow, fake eyelashes, a wig and complementary two toned skin (bleached and not so bleached skin) this woman is ferocious.

But why would a woman behave like this? What would make her so angry that she transforms into a foul mouthed beast?? Oh, a dead beat dad who lies and cheats on his spouse!!!! Betty Wright’s song comes to mind that says “girls, you can’t do what the guys do no and still be a lady”. Therefore, it would be best not to let the lying, cheating man to enrage you so much that you lose your self-respect, lower your standards and launch into such vulgarities. Take the man to Family Court and let the judge order him to pay child support!

Clearly there is not enough verbal drama for the day and so as I enter the bus I walk into a rather animated quarrel between a young Rasta man with a thick beard which is twisted and heavy locks secured under a really high, wooly red, green and gold looking turban (I wonder if he bumped his head coming into the bus…) and an old, blind man with a white cane. I would love to know what sparked the dispute because the Rasta says:

“How dat affect you? Why you come inna I man argument?”

“How you mean? Me no come a yuh yard? Me inna de bus, dis is a public space, how you mean? You need fi keep quiet den ”

“Yes, a so unoo love fight Rasta. Rasta get a fight all di time!”

“Rasta? You a no Rasta!! Yuh a RASCAL! Yuh give Rasta bad name, all Rastas me know a peace loving people and hear how you a mek war inna di bus! Rasta love me and help me so move and go way, you a no real rasta! Yuh a pork eater, fire bun fi you!!! Yuh disgrace rastaman dem!” contended the blind man.

“And you a disgrace to all bald-head! Fire fi you!” retorted the rastaman.

“Mi did de wid Ras up a ‘im shop an’ him tek care a mi and even ask one man fi carry me cross di road to di bus stop and di man say ‘im nah do it” continued the blind man.

“So did you see who it was who refused to carry you across the street” another passenger asks.

“Wha’ you say?”

“Did you see who refused to carry you across the street?”

“Yuh a damn eeediat or what? How mi fi see? Mi blind!!” snapped the blind man.

“You sure you blind?” asks the passenger, even as others started to chuckle to the annoyance of the blind man.

“Look yah nuh, you a big man yuh fi stop dem careless talk deh” the blind man counseled.

“No, me is a young man”

“Go way! You no young at all, yuh voice too RUSTY!” The blind man was correct - the man poking fun at him was a senior citizen with a full gray beard and hair…I wonder if he was seeing a little as he was spot on re that passenger.

Soon it is time to disembark, I am sure the discussion will continue even after I get off. As I walk to the hospital, I wonder if I will hear any lively exchanges between patients and nurses. Hmmmmm…time will tell.