Hysterical Neighbours

"The Lizard"

  ~ Mighty Sparrow

(Those unfamiliar with this song can listen to it here: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RzBfhb7xXNo

Greetings and Salutations!  I trust that you have had a productive day so far and are not seated at your desk fuming as you wonder why 5:00 p.m is taking so long to come.

It's all in the game of life...Sadly  we all can’t be like Queen Ellie who is now taking an afternoon nap. Oh how I grudge her as I am feeling really, really sleepy and have been feeling that way since 11 this morning.

Actually, I would not need to nap if I could just have uninterrupted sleep at nights straight until about 7:00 a.m without screeching cats and all sorts of unrecognizable sounds! Example, this morning, while wrapping up a rather "confusing" dream of friends migrating (btw, these folks dont even have passports or families abroad) I heard "brrrrrr....puttt...puttttt...brrrrr...putttttt..." and thought to myself now how does this sound fit in with this dream? This sound effect is just wrong! Airplanes don’t sound like that!!!

There it is again...this time the sound becomes steady and it really, really begins to get to my core and so I sit up in bed only to realize that it is the sound of a ...weed whacker that is obviously in need of some servicing!!!! Now, WHY on earth would somebody be making noise with a weed whacker before 7:00 a.m.??!!!!!! Sure, you want to cut the grass early before the sun comes out with a vengeance but really, before 7:00 a.m. is just plain unforgivable!!!! I maliciously wish that one of the stones that is flying about (you can actually hear them zinging off the blades) would just knock him on the head and knock some sense into it! But, then again it might knock the little sense he has out! SHEEESH!

If that behaviour from one neighbour is not bad enough try to picture this: I am in the back porch sweeping when I hear a terrible SCREAM! WWWWWWHHHHHHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!! I stop instantly and try to figure out which direction the sound came from! Two minutes later WWWWWWHHHHHHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!! WOOOOOOOIIIIIIIEEEEEE!! This time
two women!! OMG! I wonder what is happening!  It’s coming from the neighbour's house ...Is someone attacking them?? What??!!! After all JamRock has earned the title of Murder Capital of the World...

Then I realize that the sound was moving about...I wonder if they are going to run outside for safety??! What could make a woman or two scream out like that if they were not under attack?? No shouting, no talking just loud screams!!!....What would make them scream???!!! They are hysterical! Did someone just die over there; Did they discover a body??? So I pull the grille and go outside to investigate. It was only 10:00 a.m - nothing to be afraid of really. Halfway down the backyard I hear the screams which sound more like squealing now! ....then the WOOOOOOOIIIIIIIEEEEEE!! Starts again in earnest and, like I said, was moving around-- a moving target! Then, I realize that although the screams are terrifying it has nothing to do with an attack or death at least not on them but probably has to do with a lizard -- my guess it was a croaking lizard...that would explain the nervous laughter after accompanying the inquiries as to whether "...it dead, dont?"...

Now, if they were my friends, I would have volunteered to go over there and get rid of the lizard without all the chilling screams and unnecessary running up and down! After all, I didnt get the title Ellie Washbelly  the Croaking Lizard Slayer for nothing! (I coined my title myself in case you are wondering). See, I have proof. I hold the record for killing the most croaking lizards in one week! 11 and I am sending a picture of my "trophy" lizard that is the BIGGEST one I had to do battle with to date. No, he is not preserved in alcohol formaldehyde or anything -- only digitally.

Now, for my squeamish readers who are afraid of lizards PUH-LEEEZZEE do not proceed to the end so as to look at the lizard. I will not be held responsible if you are forever traumatized by the sight! It took me a full 20 minutes to kill him. It was a running duel and a battle of the wills! I WON and I took his picture as a memento. I showed the old lady the lizard and her comment was "A whey you a go do wid him? Nyam him?" -- That was just rude! So I disposed of the lizard forthwith! 

Imagine hunters get to keep their moose heads and bears and now the world thinks I am crazy for trying to keep a trophy lizard!!!

My name has obviously gotten around in the croaking lizard community and so they no longer keep their conferences on my verandah under the light and have gone back into the "wild" or on someone else's verandah or house to congregate and/or hunt insects...suits me fine!

Cellulitis and PCMD

Cellulitis: A common skin infection caused by bacteria. Staphylococcus and streptococcus bacteria are the most common causes of cellulitis.

  

 

Ellie Washbelly’s definition:  a common condition in which the patient presents with an inability to detach from the cellular telephone for any reasonable period of time.  Aside from the accompanying red ears and sore hands (unless you have an earpiece) side effects include dissociative behavior as characterized by a disruption in the normal functioning of memory, identity or the environment around him or her…hence they walk into cars, buses, trucks, rivers, streams etc.  Oh lest I forget, they also bump into other persons. The good news is that this “cellulitis”, like the other cellulitis, is NOT CONTAGIOUS! YAAY!

What is my point today? To raise awareness among my fellow humans that CELLULITIS as per Ms. Washbelly’s definition (or should it be Dr. Washbelly?) is a REAL threat.

Example, walking along a rather busy thoroughfare I counted at least seven persons actively engaged in conversations on the cell phone. That some were deep conversations was reflected in the facial expressions, gestures and, in extreme cases, the number of “fabric” or “cloths” expressed to the person on the other end of the line.

“Ow yuh mean sey ‘im nuh gi’ yuh mi money, eeeh? A wha’ do da’ bredda deh? ‘im want a man  bus’ up ‘im **&$%##@**!! ‘im tink say a joke bizniss dis? ‘im a tek big man fi foool!!!”  He was obviously a ticking time bomb ready to explode so I thought I better steer clear of that one even as he crossed over the intersection without as much as a glance.

Or it could just be “charming” conversation among good friends discussing the latest “suss” or something of vital importance - “Mi dear, di one Likiesha did a show hoff sey dat she a go a Jazz and Blues but mi ‘ear sey dat she an har man did ketch up big, big and ‘im nuh badda carry har again!! Heheheheheyyyyyyyy bwoy an’ she did all a go a Sandra a’ready go do har head!! Yuh seee-it! Show off bring disgrace! Yuh see whey mi a tell yuh! Das why yuh mus’ ‘umble yuhself!! ! A so mi granny did tell mi!!!!” … I wonder if grandma ever told her that wearing denim shorts so short that John Public can see her gluteal sulcus in all its glory brings disgrace…

Anyway, this condition afflicts motorists as well. Many are seen trying to maneuver their cars and SUVS (not doing a good job of it in most cases) while chatting on the phone! How often have you driven behind a vehicle and wondered what the dickance this EEEEDIAT driver in front of you doing? You finally get a chance to overtake and realize, not too surprising to you, that the jack or jenny ass was on the cell phone talking, dialing or worse yet TEXTING!!!!!!!!!!! People, if you must text pull over – COME OUT A DI WAY!!! Many of you are not too skilled at multi-tasking so please get an earpiece or use the phone on hands free but PLEASE pay attention to the road! Too many accidents, some of them fatal, are linked to cell phone use.

Now, before I go, I wish to quickly point out yet another condition which although not as bad as the cellulitis can be most uncomfortable particularly for the “other party”.

This is what I will call “PCMD” which is Please Call Me Disorder. Can somebody explain to me please WHY oh WHY do some people have cell phones if they NEVER ever have credit on it??!!! I am not talking about those who sometimes run out of credit because we, pre-paid users, do experience that at some point or the other. BUT…I know a few persons who never seem to have credit on their phones. So if THEY want to talk to me what do they do? Send a please call me or they dial me and quickly shout “CALL ME BACK, CALL ME BACK” and hang up.

On reflection, I realize that these persons have never paid to talk to me! Folks, it’s not a case of an emergency (in which case I would oblige and call back) a dem regular behavior! Those afflicted with this disorder know themselves! UNOOO NEED FI ‘TAP IT! Please desist…Just stop it!

So, for the past few months I have come up with the PERFECT solution which is economical and most effective.  I refer to it as “Dr. Ellie Washbelly’s shock therapy”. It is GUARANTEED to bring the “patient” around in no time and will either cure him or her AND at best it will ELIMINATE YOUR DISCOMFORT!

Here is what you do. The next time a PCMD sufferer sends you a Please Call Me text you quickly send back a text asking “WHY”? I have never had to repeat the process after the first administration.

Try it and PLEASE, I beg you to  let Dr. Ellie Washbelly know how it worked out for you! 

Grudge Match?

"Dog war inna Matthews Lane
you can’t go deh"
               - Old Jamaican Mento Song

Okay girls and boys today's report is not about old Mento songs from our country's golden era...many of you might be too young to know this song perhaps because it was way "before" your time or the "English-ish" writing of the lyrics are a little confusing since the song was sung in Patois or...as we say Patwa... It would be something like "Dawg War inna Matches Lane yuh kaaan go deh"-- but there is no standardized way to write patois, as far as I know, so that is that.

Seeing as you are all bright individuals you should see where my story is heading based on the song and the subject line.

Now this morning, very, very early I was awakened from my lovely sleep by the barking of the immediate neighbour's dogs...soon I recognized Rusty's 1/2 bark 1/2 howl (he is my dog)....then the other dogs on the road joined in the chorus...What is going on? Could there be a thief in the area? The simple bark of the neighbours dogs then changed to a really deep, long growl... you know the RRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR...pause....GRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR sound -- you know that same sound just before they launch into a full attack. The buildup went on for a minute or two. The way I figured is that there was an invading dog or couple of dogs who had a score to settle with a dog or dogs on my avenue!

Soon they were tired of the touting "GGGGRRRRRRRRRR" and with the other dogs egging them on (from behind the safety of their gates), decided to get it on in earnest... I know this cause I heard them go at each other, banging on the gate and knocking over whatever was in the way – garbage cans, flower pot(s) ...old bottles…this was a WAR!!!

The way I figured somebody, sorry some dog, was getting his tail beaten or bitten ‘cause I heard the yelp...'aroooooo, arooooo, arroooo, arroooooooooooo" followed by some more growls and snarls (insert the appropriate effects here as I don’t know how to spell those). The other dogs went nuts!!!!

 

I don’t know if they were upset because they could not get out to join in the melee. Or are they vexed because they had made some bets and the one they bet on got beaten???!!! Where did the dog(s) come from? What was this, a turf war? Is this a grudge fight over a bitch? Was it worth it??!!

After about ten minutes the barking, snarling, growling, yelping quieted down--- silence... Of course, after that all out war I could not sleep...adrenaline pumping, curiosity killing me...would I wake up and find a  critically wounded or dead mutt at my gate, on my sidewalk or did he manage to limp
back from whence he came? In any event my sleep was disrupted. I have had a headache since then.

Now even though I feel like a complete wreck I must muster the strength to get up and get started with my daily chores! Today, I think I am going to make hominy corn porridge with some fried dumplings and some salt fish…that should compensate for the lack of sleep or it might send me back to bed…

Market Adventure Part 2

The conclusion...

“Oh, I need some scotchie!” off we go in search of the scotch bonnet peppers. I “spy” a vendor with a whole heap of scotchie…the colors look bright even from here, good!…soon we get to the stall and discover that although the colors look vibrant from a distance, the peppers are not so robust looking, in fact they look tired and dried-up-ish plus the price was way too high. Maybe that was the “browning” price…..Not to be deterred we doubled back to a section of the market we had skirted earlier. Lo and behold, there was a man selling peppers at his stall. “How much fi di pepper?” Essie, the designated spokesperson (my complexion and sort of “St. Andrew accent” is not a good bargaining advantage) enquired. Now here is the trick, taught to me by my able market companion (she was taught by a vendor), don’t buy pepper by the dozen. Better to buy by the weight and you will get more for your money. With this foreknowledge I await his reply “$120 a poun’” – BINGO! Good price so for a brief  moment whispering between us we concurred that it was a good price and I decided that I will take a half pound…Essie didn’t need any so she tells the man “sell me ½ pound”… So the hombre takes up two small plastic bags, why two bags, I thought to myself.

 “How much yuh waaan’ ?”

 “1/2 pound” (is this guy standing on his ears or what?)

 “half poun’ fi yuh and half poun’ fi she?

“NOOOOOO!!!!” we say in unison - was he paying attention or not?

“ We just want half pound!”

 Finally, he starts to put them in the plastic bag. Meanwhile, I turn to Essie to ask where we could get some stringed beans at a reasonable price.

“Wha’? me kaaaan ‘ear wha’ you a tell har sey yuh nuh, whey yuh a talk so soft fa?” he interrupts my conversation with Essie! I cannot believe the GALL of this man!! Without even missing a beat I say to him

“Listen, mi naaaa talk to yuh!! If I were speaking to you, you would have HEARD me, but I am speaking with her and SHE can hear me!!”

“Den Laawd, mek you a ‘andle me so rough faah’?” he asks almost like a little child scolded for misbehaving.

“Because you too nosey!!! I was not speaking to you. You must not be too nosey it’s not good for you!!” I tell him in my most maternal voice and manner yet!

“Where yuh come fram?”  “Yuh come fram Juumaica?” "A faar-in yu come fram?" he asks.

Why the cross questioning? Too many questions!!! I give him a $100 and wait for my change which he takes forever “searching” for all over the place. Essie had turned to scout out our next move and I automatically turned to see if there were any stringed beans close by when I hear the vendor say “oh so you a lef’ di change wid mi”

“Yuh mad??!!!” I ask him and stretch out my hand for the change. Then to my consternation the vendor says “ Yuh know sey fram mi look pan yuh mi see sey yuh love money eeenuh!”

 “Look here nuh give me mi $40”

By now I am thinking what else I need so I look aside for a moment to spy out the landscape when I feel the coins being put into my palm lightly.

“Eeeh, eeeh yuh han’ soooft eeeh, wow!” I quickly draw away my hand as if bitten by a rattle snake and give him the evil eye!!! “Thanks” I say as I put the pepper in my bag and walk away. 

“Look ‘ere mi fren, mi fren, wait nuh, mi can tell yuh someting?”

“NOPE, you have said way too much already”.  Note to self: Avoid all nosey pepper vendors in the future!  Sheesh!

While making our final rounds we realize that we cannot find where the woman that offered us the lucea yam is? Where did we see her? We knock heads together and retraced our steps and found her right there at the entrance of the market! YAAAAY! Mission accomplished! We got everything we wanted and more! Now we have to struggle with the bags back to terminal at North Parade. Essie has to go to the Meat shop and so I decided to purchase some pig’s tail. She did the ordering while I watched the bags. My bag is not too difficult to manage even when filled to capacity because it is one that you wear as a knapsack.

I help Essie with her bag, the traditional one, and we walk side by side until we get to the Bus terminus….MAN the sun HOTTTTT!! The cranberry water I had a few minutes before has all but sweat out and I am feeling thirsty again.

We suffer for a while in the broiling sun waiting for our bus. Our hopes were dashed twice earlier when what was our bus, suddenly change to a number 31 on one occasion and the second time the driver just left no explanations, NADA!

Finally one comes along and out of NOWHERE a bunch of hooligans of all different descriptions rushes the door of the bus. Needless to say that we, who are standing in a line waiting to board the bus, are totally peeved at this type of behavior! They push, bump and squeeze...I hang on to my goodies bag and watch that I do not bump my head as I am “lifted” into the bus by the sheer force and volume of bodies.

Not too sure when I make it over the last step or when my feet touch the ground I pay the fares and Essie points out a seat nearby…empty at least so I thought. As I approach, a very miserable, cantankerous looking older woman, who obviously see Essie pointing the seat out to me gives out “a sumaddy seat, mi pay har ticket lang time see har dere a com”. I glanced behind and sure enough near the driver was an older looking woman with a very brightly colored tie-head and an equally brilliant outfit making her way down the aisle.

Fortunately, I found a seat closer to the second/exit door beside a decent enough looking male passenger.

Finally, a seat in the AC, a place to rest my legs and to relax for the next 45 minutes or so that it takes to get home…not realizing how much battering I took from the sun and all the walking, I close my eyes and slowly doze off ….then it happened!

“Can I get a praise di Lord?” “Can I hear Hallelujah?” “Amen”…Can I get some peace and quiet? - I ask??!!!

As the bus moves along the sermon begins in earnest, this lady, I must admit is not as loud as I have heard some. She makes the usual points about changing her life (highly commendable I must say); about her “faambily dat in sum big, big trouble right now”; about her not allowing “di debil fi overthrow har” and a number of other things (throw in obeah-working, bad-mindedness, fornication here).

The audience was largely apathetic and the man beside me was busy mumbling “heverybody in yah done know ‘bout Gad a’ready”; aside from a couple of women giving a feeble praise the Lord, nobody was giving her the necessary “fuel” to fire into a “brimstone and fire” sermon so common on the buses. She is a smart woman and realizes that the people are “hopeless” so after singing briefly she prays for everyone on the bus…then silence again… I open my eyes and realize that we are approaching the traffic lights at Lyndhurst and Maxfield Avenue, half way through my journey.

 I close my eyes again and take full advantage of the silence and the AC…What a day!!

Market Adventure Part I

“Carry mi ackee go a Linstead Market

Not a quattie worth sell…”

                                ~Jamaican Folk Song

“To market, to market to buy a fat pig

Home again, home again jiggity jig”

                                ~ Nursery rhyme

Firstly, let me say I did NOT go to Linstead Market (although THAT should be exciting) and I am not a vendor of ackees (will not comment on what a “quattie” is as that currency was clearly in use way before my time). But the problem is that I could NOT find a song or poem or anything in reference to the “Kur-nation” “Cara-naa-shon” or “Curry” market as per local lingo, yes all refer to the Coronation Market. So yes, I admit, there is something askew with today’s excerpts. Anyway, there is a connection! What day is today??...Right today is SATURDAY!!! For most of the general population what does that mean? Some sort of soup for dinner...True BUT today lads and lasses is MARKET day! So I HAVE to relate my last trip to the market!

Oh by the way, I did not go to buy a fat pig – or a skinny pig – but again I cannot find any songs about onions, yams, sweet potatoes, scotch bonnet peppers, cucumbers, beetroot, carrots…  (You have my shopping list). That I did eventually purchase some fat pig’s tail after leaving the market is purely coincidental.

My excitement began the very instant I got word that my friend was going to the market! Of course I would love to go to the market!!!! WHO does not like to go to the market???!!!! All the fresh fruits and vegetables, the vibrant colors, the smells of the produce like the “Sint Andrew time and scallion” (not of the gutter water en route to the market)… the people… the cacophony of sounds… the adrenaline rush of jumping out of the path of a speeding, loaded handcart being pushed by an overly zealous, directionally-challenged handcart driver eager to drop off one load and head for another….Aaawww do I need to rouse your imaginative powers any further?? I think not…

Now my friend does not drive and so, in good old-time fashion, we went by the BUS!! YES! What could be more adventurous? Two girls going to the market on public transportation!!! It does not get more exciting! Fortunately for us, it is only one bus that takes us to the city, no need to get off and transfer etc.  We sat in our comfortable, big, bright Big Bird yellow, AC bus and headed downtown…fine style…nice and cool and at that time of the morning, not too many passengers.

Generally quiet, except for a quarrel between an elderly hombre who “cussed” out an elderly lady who accused him of almost causing her to fall (don’t know how since he was already seated long before she came on the bus). Now, I had to “rubberize” my neck to see exactly who were trading insults like that at 10:00 a.m. Finally, the man decided to get up and change his seat before, according to him, “mi lick down yuh #$%**&%!#” – Now, I wonder, isn’t he afraid his dentures would fall out in his attempt to reel off that string of choice fabrics not sold in retail stores?? Disgusting behavior from seniors…

Anyway, we get downtown safely and disembark at the terminus at North Parade. Good, just about two thousand people milling around, peddling everything from a pin to an anchor from their cardboard boxes, school children sauntering around in uniforms, ¾ naked women showing off their oversized or undersized tattooed bodies with completely bleached out faces, false eyelashes and Rapunzel like tresses or could that be Pocahontas?? …hmmmm….right, women with loooooong hair…. Btw, there are a lot of sidewalk hairdressers downtown. You see clients sitting comfortably on stools while they get the hair they obviously just purchased at the wholesale sewn to the stocking caps affixed to their heads, a couple were having the fake eyelashes glued on hopefully not with crazy glue...well, I can handle this scene!

My pal Essie knows downtown and the market like the back of her hand. I guess having worked downtown, attended school downtown, and shopping regularly at the market over the years has made her a PRO! Hence, she is one of the BEST choices for a guide/market companion, right?

After she made a brief stop at a wholesale on Orange Street we head out to our main destination. Curry here we come!!!

Walking with purpose and confidence like “I KNOW where I am going” I kept pace with Essie and we headed across a couple of streets and then up a street and through a gate. All this time bobbing and weaving between folks and stalls and produce on the ground.

“Buy something from me nuh?” “sale out, sale out pon di cabbage” …”yuh want hany gyarlic fi buy Miss? $50 a bag” “Primenta and nutmeg, primenta and nutmeg”…Fortunately I saw the pimento to know that was what he was selling.  “Nice lady, you want bammy fi buy…$100” Actually, bammy was not on my list but then he was so polite and looked desperate and Ms. Ellie does enjoy bammy…okay sure. I bought a pack and the man’s face lit up like a 100 watt bulb “Tanks you hear, tanks” ...”you are welcome”- so polite! Wow. I felt good.

So here we are moving from point A to point B then back to A then to C on our merry way, Essie in the lead and I, the happy follower, on her heels! I just tell her what I want and she knows exactly where to go or which vendor we could get things from cheap! Hey, I could really get the hang of this!

While on the hunt for yams, I hear a voice, a rather persistent one. It was a man desperately trying to get our attention, rather, my attention, how do I know this? “Pssssssssssst, hi, BROWNING, BROWNING” – now Essie is very dark complexioned so by default it must be me, right? So, I pause for a second and turn around. “Mi like yuh enuh baby”. Well, after getting over the initial shock that this man is trying to stop us not to introduce us to his items for sale but, to use the vernacular “ 'im a look sumaddy”, and a quick look at his appearance, this tall fellow, very rough looking, with his few teeth strategically placed (that explains why he was able to “psssssst” so freely…not too many teeth to block the sound!), I said “YOU like ME (imagine my facial expression here)…okay” and then started to walk off…”Wait, den come here nuh browning?” – I figured you know, let me not answer and keep going…how Jamaican men are so brazen I have no clue!

Anyhow, we finally find yellow yam, lucea yam, dasheen, and coco …whooooooaaaa!!!! Yep and, in spite of the grumpy look and mannerism of the yam/dasheen vendor, who seems to be having a bad day, we get a good deal at $50 per pound vs. $70 or $80 uptown price! This is FUN!

String beans, oh I need string beans (green beans/French beans for my foreign buddies reading this)! I spy some a little way off and we head there to get the price. “How much fi di string bean?” I said in my very best patois – mumble, mumble, stagger, stagger was the response of the male vendor. Even with the question repeated the vendor did not really respond. I figure it’s probably because a) he was roused from deep sleep (b) he is drunk (c) he was stoned from smoking ganja or some of the string bean leaves d) it was not his stall and had no clue what we were talking about (e) did not like the look of us and figured we could not afford it since we had to ask the price. In any event we decide this man was a waste of time and left.

  

 Bags are getting “weighty” with all the goodies we been buying but we still need a few items more! So far my trip is going GREAT and I do feel wonderful too! No wonder folks like to go to the market!

...

Please join me later for the conclusion of the Market Adventure!