Bottling

Bottling plant

Okay so today’s title is a tad misleading… I am not here to discuss the matter of “bottling” as in placing drinks or other liquids in a bottle as D&G or Wray & Nephew does. I actually would like to address the situation as per Ellie’s definition of “bottling” as in “flinging a bottle at someone, namely, an entertainer, comedian, performer”…basically somebody you paid to see perform.

Now, people, this idea or act of “bottling” is not a new concept to the Jamaican people. As a matter of fact, from as far back as 2002, I think (or even earlier than that), performers have been “bottled” by dissatisfied audiences. Even veteran artistes, (Frankie Paul comes to mind) are not immune to having bottles hurled at them. Whether it is a Sting reggae show, Elephant N friends or Xmas Extravaganza; from Jamworld in Portmore to Pier One Montego Bay to Black River, St. Elizabeth, Jamaicans are some SERIOUS bottle flingers! By the way, there are some who, not having bottles to throw, are quite resourceful and use stones instead. Of course, I cannot tell you which of the two inflicts more pain.

Once bottles start to fly pandemonium follows. MCs sometimes have to take cover behind speaker boxes; artistes have to run off stage; members of the audience scatter in all directions - sometimes leaving their shoes behind just to “escape” the bottles being thrown. No, Ellie does NOT go to such events however, based on some eyewitness accounts being at the venue on such an occasion is extremely hazardous:

“Blow-wow Junie, a whe’ yuh did dey when dem start fling di bakkle dem?”

“Mi did beside di chain link fence ‘cause mi just did get something fi drink and by di time mi look a pure bakkle a sail over mi head”

“Yuh lucky say a over yuh head it go! One did lick Precious inna har head back, mi tink it did burst!”

“By di time me a look fi mi baby father fi say come mek we leave a just one whole heap a people a run all ‘bout and a shove mi, mi haffi cuss too claawt and tell dem no push me. But missis, me gold slippaz strap dem pop out me had was fi walk barefoot come down!”

“Gyal, di people dem all tear down the chain link fence to rahtid!”

Just visualize the scenario…chaos…just like a cattle stampede!! My goodness! I can see some of those on the heftier side of life drop off their heels and hightail it out of the venue just like their skinny counterparts!

Anyway, it seems to me that in recent years the promoters etc have tried to cut down on the bottle throwing incidents through the introduction of certain measures. Therefore, I rarely if ever hear of any “bottling” going on nowadays.

Imagine my utter shock when I realize that now, in 2013, the “bottling” business has moved overseas with the recent “bottling” of my beloved Grammy award winning Toots Hibbert (he of Toots and the Maytals fame) during a music festival in Richmond, Virginia, U.S.A!

My big question is WHO would do such a thing? Okay we already know it’s a 19 year old punk kid. Is he of Jamaican heritage? WHO taught him about bottling??!!!!

Poor Toots was hit in the head and had to seek medical attention. How di dickance yuh can a fling bakkle and hit a 70 year old man?!!! Suppose he died? From today’s dailies I gather that Toots has now filed a multi-million dollars lawsuit against the perpetrator. Serves him right! Toots had to cancel his tour and imagine all the folks who were hoping to see this legendary singer perform! I hope the “perp” is incarcerated and that the Virginia Department of Corrections gives him inmate identification # 54-46 in tribute to that great song by Toots! http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GZPmWdBWOeQ

Licenses

Today’s topic, ladies and gentlemen, is Licenses.

Let’s see…there is the Driver’s License; Pilot’s License; Motorcycle License; Boat driver’s license - to name a few. But guess what? Miss Ellie is proposing yet another license…tedious BUT most essential in this day and age, in my opinion.

I would LOVE to see the introduction of a Walker’s/Pedestrian License (no, no, no this one would be FREE once you past a rigorous test). You see, I find that as “disgusting” and “dangerous” as motorists can be, pedestrians can be as disgusting and hazardous! Face it folks ALL of us are pedestrians even when we own a motor vehicle.

The big  problem is that too many persons seem to be CLUELESS on how to walk or use the roads and sidewalk (even though sidewalks are practically non-existent in some cases) and generally seem oblivious as to how to “walk” with due consideration of other “walkers”.

Picture this: I am walking through the mall, humming “Affairs of the Heart” by Damion “Junior Gong” Marley,http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bT7RvkjFto8 keeping to the left as I pass by a number of stores. Suddenly out of the corner of my eye there is flash of orange and white, as a door swings open and a hulk of a man steps across my path! I barely avoided bumping into him fully although I believe my size seven did touch the heel of his size 13 sneakers!!! Not that he would have noticed…

“Yow mi daaawg! Whey u deh? Mi no see yuh?!! Come down now. Me in front a di shop” while chatting on his Blackberry!! Yes, I am still trying to figure out this matter of calling your friends “dogs”.

Tell me, how many of you have had people a) walk across your path (b) bump into you, because they are distracted whether chatting on the phone, fixing something, rummaging in their handbags or something (c) stop abruptly in front of you (d) all of the above

I strongly believe that the way an individual walks is a good indication of how he or she behaves once behind the steering wheel!

Imagine the case I mentioned earlier. If we were actually operating motor vehicles he, coming out of the “minor road” (the store) should have waited until the way was clear before he proceeded onto the “main road” i.e. outside of the store. Chances are, however, that if he were actually driving he would have driven out onto the main road without looking and thus cause an accident.

Why should I even care? Because it is very frustrating when people don’t “walk” properly and create a nuisance!

Recently, I was walking in a business center. It was lunch time and the place was teeming with people. I was walking behind a damsel in sky-high heels that seemed to be having problems walking in them.

She stopped suddenly and I almost bumped into her. Of course, I would have been at fault as I should not have been walking so closely behind but I was in a hurry and the place was kind of congested. Before I could pass her she started moving again and unexpectedly her hand jutted outward as she gesticulated wildly in an effort to get her point across to the person she was speaking with on her cell phone.

I sigh and decided to walk to the extreme right just to avoid this woman when no sooner than I started to do that she somehow drifted across my path! Just like those drivers who DRIFT ACROSS LANES! Stay in your lane!!!

By now Ellie’s patience was worn thin. I could have been seriously injured if she stepped on my foot with one of those daggers...er...shoes.

Without even realizing it I hissed my teeth really, really loudly. My eyebrows became” unibrows” and my hazel eyes became RED! Did I actually say “Cho backside!” out loud for her to hear? Or was it the speed at which I “overtook” her coupled with the glare I gave in the process that prompted her to say “Sorry”.

Please do me a favor folks, just be cognizant of your environment and remember to show some consideration to your fellow pedestrians…that is all I am asking.

Bills

“Oh crumbs! Another text message! I wonder who it is this time.” I muttered on hearing the alert on my phone.

“Oh, JPS sending me a reminder to pay my bill…pay my bill?!! What date is it?” I had better go pay the bill before they disconnect my light.

Faster than a speeding “Bolt” or bullet I got dressed and headed out. How could I have forgotten to pay the bill? Didn't I just pay a light bill like 2 weeks ago? While caught up in questioning myself (and answering of course) I realized that the morning was almost over and I still had a lot of work to do.

Since time was against me, and against my better judgment, I decided to take one of the shuttle taxis on the route. The driver, a young, wiry looking man sporting a dreadlock hairstyle beckoned to me “Half-Way-Tree browning, you no ready? Come man, right away no hitching!”

I got in and off he sped. I felt as if I was in an airplane on the verge of take off! A few of his “locks” were flying in the wind and I felt happy not to be seated directly behind him as I KNOW that were any of them to hit me in the face I would have caught and secured them tightly to the headrest of his seat.

As I sat clinging to the seat in front of me and wondering if this trip is an example of “G-force” in action, suddenly Beethoven’s 5^th Symphony http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_4IRMYuE1hI started to play.The man seated next to me reached into his pocket for his cell phone.

“Yeh!” he said. I recall thinking if that was the best he could do in answering the phone. Whatever happened to hello or hi or good morning… SIGH

“Me soon reach mi deh a Half-Way-Tree” he told the other party.

 Such a liar I thought, you are nowhere NEAR Half-Way-Tree.

 “No! Me say mi SOON REACH just wait pon mi!!!” he seemed annoyed.

Thankfully I arrive alive at my destination.  “This should be over in a few minutes then I can get back to work” I thought. I was wrong…VERY WRONG! The lines were long.

 “Backside man! Look how long me stan’ up yah so and di line nah move! A wha’?” a man in an aqua shirt shouted.

“A true man! Look from when mi come ‘ere and is like dem tink we no have nutting fi do” commented a woman in a denim miniskirt and a black blouse.

“Why dem a take such a long time mi no know!!!  Di place name Bill Express...wha’ Express mean?

Express mean fi go fast!!! Dis nah go fast a &*#%%&#!“  he continued, hissing his teeth and knitting his brows.

I waited for a long while but then I had no choice. Eventually I was called to the counter.

“Welcome and sorry for the delay, the system is down but they are working on it presently” the polite customer service agent explained.

“Sure no problem” I replied. But that was not entirely true. It WAS a problem ‘cause I had spent almost 20 minutes waiting in line.

Soon I was on the busy thoroughfare contemplating whether I should take the bus or endure another nerve wrecking drive on a shuttle taxi… decisions, decisions…

“BODY CLEANSER …” a loud voice shouted.

Body cleanser…hmmmm … I wonder if he was selling Bath and Body Works, Victoria’s Secret, Avon….where is this person?

“Roots, roots tonic, body cleanser” I eventually see the vendor, an elderly Rastafarian dressed in a long robe and a matching head wrap featuring red, green and gold. He had several pins on his chest including of Haile Selassie.

On seeing him I realized that NO WAAAY would this hombre be selling bath and body works or any such products. He was more about “internal” cleansing….

“Strong back, ‘tan pon it long, roots! Buil’ up you stamina” obviously his “target market” is mainly amorous men interested in enhancing their sexual prowess.

I, on the other hand, was only interested in getting back indoors as the temperatures were extremely high.

 

Of Kisses...

“Kiss mi neck!! A really deh so di blinkin’ eeediat leave di machete?!!!” the angry woman shouted, bending to retrieve a machete protruding in the front lawn.

Machete

“Eeeeeeh? From mawning mi a tear down di place a look fi di machete and look where Wilbert leave it! Right inna di lawn! Hanybody can just pick it up and attack mi in a mi own yard!” her face was bright crimson and I figured that it was not only attributable to the heat of the sun.

“Why don’t you speak to him Ms. Gloria, explain that he must put it back in the storeroom after he is finished” the young woman said.

“Speak to him? Speak to him? How many time mi “speak” to him already? Mi tyad fi talk to him, look like him deaf or daft or both! If I ever see him now I feel like I would just tek it and gi him two %$**** SLAP wid it …cho!!!”

I find myself wondering if we share the same gardener! You see, the gardener NEVER puts things back where they belong – EVER – you waste precious time looking for tools that were NOT put back where they should have been. So forgetful! I wonder if that has anything to do with working long hours outdoors….hmmmmmmm. Anyway, I understand “Ms. Gloria’s” anguish as I have felt like knocking out the gardener many times before….

Another thing, this expression “Kiss mi neck” – an “old-time” phrase, is a bit puzzling to me as to its origin. Can someone enlighten me please? A few years ago a friend – a Spanish speaking native – was in the island on a project. He came to me one evening extremely bewildered because he heard the expression earlier in the day at the site. Apparently one of the locals, while conversing with another, said “Kiss mi neck!” My friend, who was standing right next to him looked and said “Keesss your neck? You want me to keeess  your neck? I don’t know hombre but where I come from one man do not keesss the neck of other man, I no keesss your neck!!!”

 

He did not understand why they were all laughing. I explained as best as I could (and with a straight face) that it was not a literal expression but sadly I could not tell him anything about its origin. Nevertheless I pointed out that the island has the reputation of being homophobic so he does not have to worry about a man just approaching him and asking for a kiss on the neck….

I must admit that I found his story quite funny…we are such a funny set of folks!

For example, while in the plazas yesterday I saw a beggar making his way towards the car. I have seen him on previous occasions and so I knew his story beforehand.  As soon as I was turning to close the door I saw that he was making a bee-line ….hmmmmmmm….he changed his mind. Then I realized why. There was a security guard, baton in hand, in pursuit and telling him to leave the property.

“Yuh deh everywhere, leave from here and stop molest di customers dem!!” the security said in a stern voice.

“Mi nah molest nobaddy, mi just a look a change bredrin” replied the beggar.

“Look how faaar yuh come from come all di way up yah so a beg!! You a come from downtown! Why yuh never go a Bank of Jamaica go beg, eeeh? You all pass Ministry of Finance before you reach yah!!!” the security’s voice was getting louder now.

Bank of Jamaica

 

“Yuh mad? Me can’t go dem place deh fi beg!!” the beggar responded incredulously.

“A Ministry of Finance and dem place deh you need fi go beg ‘cause a dem have di money! DON’T come back over here and mek mi catch you!!! You hear??!!!!!” the security was quite unyielding as he held the baton in the air and the beggar left hastily.

Even as I chuckle to myself, I cannot help musing over the exchange and wonder IF any beggars have ever tried begging at the Ministry of Finance or the Bank of Jamaica…

Ministry of Finance