Bikini Babes...Perhaps

Saturday afternoon… It is sunny and very humid. You can almost see the “heat” as you drive along the roadways. You are thirsty and for a moment you wish you had some lemonade or coconut water to refresh you.

 

Up ahead you notice a flurry of activities, more than just cars whizzing by. Am I seeing right? Is it a mirage? Are those people standing in the road? Are they crazy or what??! On such a busy thoroughfare WHY would you want to be in the street and not the sidewalk especially with some of the lunatics driving these days?

As we get closer I realize that there are quite a few half-naked women flagging down cars …they were actually dressed in bikinis. Whether tall or short, dark or fair, “thick” or slim, the general “uniform” is a tiny, bright colored bikini top and tight, ultra short shorts. I am honestly amazed! For one, how the dickance did they get into those shorts?  I am almost sure that their circulation is severely hampered…is that why a couple of them are gyrating? Wait a minute, didn’t the carnival road march end the week before?

 “Bikini Car-Wash” Ooooh!!!! It’s a car wash! I guess in these lean economic times one has to think of innovative ways to grab the potential customer’s attention. After all, having a bikini car wash is not a new concept and it might just increase revenues.

 “Mi mumma!!” I could not help blurting out as I saw one of the young women. Let’s just say she did not fit the typical profile of the “bikini babe”. In fact, I would best describe her as a plus plus size woman with a“governor washing tub” (an extremely huge) backside and equally ample bosom. Her huge belly is hanging over the top of her micro jeans shorts and her boobs are competing to fall out of her lime green bikini top! It doesn’t matter that her legs are full of cellulite; she is full of confidence and prances around like any of her skinny, “mawga behind” colleagues. 

Given that this is Jamrock, I am almost sure that she will get a fair share of "eager" males waiting for her to wash their cars… word out is that a lot of hombres prefer “thick” ; “healthy body” women “with meat on dem bones” (although she definitely has a lot more "meat on her bones" than normal). In other words, the "mawga" as in "rail thin" model type lasses have to come good against their more curvy (read big breasts, broad hips, big butt but with a "small" waist and flat stomach here) sistren who will get the nod every time. Yeh man a so it go here on the rock, many prefer "phat" women as opposed to "fat" as in "obese" women.

Do you suppose someone with a Kate Moss type of figure would get a lot of compliments here? No, not really. You are more likely to hear a negative comment such as:

"Eeeh, eeehh, 'ow da gyal deh so mawga?  No sah, nobaddy can mawga so, all yuh see is har big head! Look like she live far from har kitchen or maybe she sick!"

Interestingly, back in the late 80's early 90's local dancehall deejay, Red Dragon did a song Cu Kun Kun addressing the dilemma of the skinny girl http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VXu6b2U8oHc

On the other hand,would someone with Beyonce's body type get kudos? OF COURSE!

Now do you understand the difference?


Whereas I applaud that woman for  her obvious confidence, I can't help but wonder how healthy she really is.

Suddenly I remember my friend Kozo, the dancing purple dinosaur:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ejECO5pfC9E

As I close this blog, which I really wanted to call “Bang Bellied Bikini Babes”, I wonder how many clients these girls were able to attract.

Etiquette

Etiquette:

“the customary code of polite behaviour in society or among members 

of a particular profession or group”    ~   Oxford Dictionary

Whilst standing at the stop, in deep concentration, my thoughts are suddenly interrupted by the voice of the conductor on the coaster bus.

“Come in browning, straight a town we a go. Leaving right away! I have a seat fi you, right up front beside di driver….come nuh lovely lady, mi original browning” the conductor tried to urge me into the coaster bus.

“Yes, sexy browning you a ORIGINAL browning, straight up!”

“How do you know that?” I asked

“Yeah mi know you are original gyal no chemical browning! See you have puss color eye and you aise top brown and you finger joint dem too, so mi KNOW ef you did a bleach you aise dem and so would still black ‘cause dem parts can’t change!”

Hmmmmm, let me see. By looking at my “puss color eyes” (I think what he really meant were hazel eyes); my knuckles and ears he could conclude that I am an original “browning” and not a user of skin lightening products…Well, by jolly, I think this guy is actually brilliant! Such analysis!

Hazel Eyes

Anyway after unsuccessfully trying to convince me to board the bus, he turns his attention to a potential passenger.

“Cross Road, Town, ready one! Run come inna dis mi dawg” – he shouts to a man coming up the road.

“Watch yah, mi nah carry nuh dawg inna mi bus!!” replies driver as he slowly drives off.

“Yow Bigga, nuh ramp wid me tiday! Whey yuh a drive a go?! Yuh no see di man a come hold on!” the conductor shouts.

“Oh! A one man, mi did tink say a one dog you want carry come in yah!” the driver chuckles.

“All yuh a born eeediat yuh same Bigga, me no know a whey yuh come from!”

Soon the man boards the bus; the ‘ductor hops on the steps and stays there as his opened, flimsy uniform shirt blows in the wind and Bigga takes off down the road faster than a speeding bullet. I am left in dust plus choking on the thick, black smoke from the muffler and I conclude that bus should not be on the roads as it is a hazard!

No sooner had the “smoke” cleared and my vision restored that I see a white UFO yes an unidentified flying object tossed through the window of a moving car which is heavily tinted.

Styrofoam lunch box

We soon discover that the NASTY person has flung a lunchbox through the window. 

“WHAT A NASTY, DUTTY WRETCH!!! Look how di john crow just nyam out di food and fling di box through di window! Suppose him did lick somebody with it? Him couldn’t keep it inna one scandal bag ‘til him reach whey him a go?!!” said a matronly woman with salt n pepper coloured hair.

“A true man! Dem too nasty! Mi caaaant stand when dem do dat” added a young lady.

“Well, I have even seen someone eating mango and throwing the skin through the window of the car, which was pretty bad” I added.

Mango

“Yuh a talk ‘bout mango skin, one day mi deh downtown an’ mi see one man just hawk and spit through di cyar window! It just churn mi stomach man, dem fi do better dan dat!” said the man accompanying the elderly woman.

“Lawd! Dat just nasty man! People have some crawny behavior just tun yuh off completely!” the young woman continued.

At this point just visualizing the sight of someone spitting through the window of a moving car with sputum flying in all directions made me feel sick! YUCK!!!!

Spitting or throwing garbage from a car is just WRONG! STOP doing that. It is NASTY and gross.

Try to show some etiquette! Maybe we need to implement etiquette courses in schools starting from the basic school level and continuing to the tertiary level (just in case they forgot what they were taught as children).

Oh this would include modules on common courtesy or good manners, you know, salutations, i.e. good morning, good afternoon, etc how to say please and thank you, excuse me and you are welcome! Time to get back to the basics!

Out of Many, One People

Out of Many, One People

~ Jamaica’s National Motto

No, it’s not Independence Day, that’s in August. I chose the motto as today’s quote because an outing yesterday reminded me of this fact.

For the benefit of non-Jamaicans, the motto refers to the many cultures that came together to produce the nation. Yes, Jamaica’s population is multi-racial with African, Caucasians, Chinese and Indian ancestry. Of course, this blog is not a history lesson therefore you will have to do some research on this island, for a deeper understanding. I have added a couple links at the end of the blog for your perusal! 

Coat of Arms, Jamaica

 

It was not such a great idea to head into the business district the first working day after a four day (Easter) weekend.  That meant heavy traffic, extra long lines and additional stress. But, unfortunately I had no choice.

A trek through Half-Way-Tree en route to my destination was a like a tutorial as I was vividly reminded of our racially blended society! Blacks, and all shades thereof, Indian, whites (inclusive of the sort of “burnt orange” lobster look) and Chinese were fully represented.

I confess that I even engaged in some “racial profiling” of sort … you see, in the front of my taxi was a mature Chinese lady. She was fumbling in her bag for a while. Just looking at her appearance I assumed that she was a “businesswoman” who recently came from China; after all the majority of the island’s wholesales are run by the Chinese. “Hmmmmm…I wonder if she knows English?!!” I thought to myself.

“Miss Chin, wha’a gwaaan? Long time mi no see yuh” a man ran up to the car’s window to talk to the woman.

“Hi. I’m alright. How are you? You good?” she replied in impeccable English.

“Yeah, mi good. Just a do a likkle hustling cause nutting much a gwaaan right now” he replied.

“Okay, take care of yourself then” she told him as the traffic started to move again.

I was pleasantly surprised, yet nothing prepared me for her next sentence:

“Look yah nuh, mi no know a who da man deh! A di fus’ mi ever see ‘im!!” she told the taxi driver.

I felt bad for my racial stereotyping faux pas.

At the stoplight by the Clock Tower, I caught sight of a young woman dressed in short shorts, knee high leather boots, cropped top baring her midriff and showing off her tattooes. Her ultra long fake eyelashes competed with her nose, eyebrow and lip rings for top spot on an otherwise attractive face. I wondered where she was coming from at mid-day dressed like that or…where she was heading. How the dickance could she wear knee high boots in 87°F weather?? I concluded that she must be crazy.

I arrived at my destination eventually and was disheartened by the long line. I reluctantly joined and stood behind a strapping woman sporting a blonde cropped hairstyle and wearing oversized gold hoop earrings and a two tiered frilly melon colored mini skirt, best suited for a teenager.

“Listen, tek di something dem! Dem full of anti-oxidant and good fi yuh” she tells the woman in a turquoise blouse standing beside her.

“Mi no want none cause it mek mi belly hurt me” the woman in turquoise blouse responded.

“It no matter still tek it ‘cause mine did a hurt me too when mi just start tek dem, it will soon stop”

“No sah mi nah tek dem, mi think mi a go down di clinic Thursday go see what a gwaan”

“Yuh can stay deh a go a doctor, all dem do a nyam out yuh money and yuh still sick. Better yuh go to the natural tings dem and buil’ up yuh bady. You need fi tek some vitamin, like all di vitamin C and some rose hip”

Rose Hip

“Rose hip? A wha’ dat missis? Rose hip? Mi no want dem sinting deh”

“Den yuh no can tan deh. Dat’s why you so fenky-fenky and sicky sicky! You no see how mi strong and no sick often??!! A dem tings deh help mi and mi children dem too. Mi all use di soursop leaf and orange peel and bwile tea! It GOOOOODDDD! It mek your skin clean and pretty too! ” the blonde woman tried to convince her friend.

“Even last week mi go tek fast and eat some ice cream mi baby father buy and mi sey inna di night mi belly cut mi yuh see! Cold sweat did all a wash mi. Mi haffi mix up some molasses and gulp it down quick, quick. Den after me go a di toilet mi did alright again! So a good something me a tell you ‘bout. Mi can all give yuh something fi clean up yuh inside and all yuh lungs too!” she continued.

“Oh great” I thought to myself. The line is very long, the representatives are under pressure and I get stuck behind an enthusiast of health food and natural healing, what more could I want?

 “Wait, a whey yuh a go bredrin? Go join di **&&%%% line” a husky voiced man near the top of the line bellowed.

“Mi was right ‘ere so, a jus’ go over dat side fi collect something” the other man responded.

“Watch yah, a 20 minutes mi inna dis line and when mi come a dis ooman stand up in front of mi! Not you! All unoo do a skip people inna di line!” the man continued.

“Ask har if me never deh behind har, ask har nuh? She will tell yuh!” the offender offered.

SIGH...clearly there was more in store for Ellie...

Useful links:

http://www.nlj.gov.jm/?q=jamaican-national-symbls – National Library of Jamaica

http://www.jis.gov.jm/special_sections/Independence/Did_You_Know_Emancipation.html - Jamaica Information Service