BWIT Day versus BED Day

Greetings friends! After an unplanned three month hiatus, I am happy to be back! True, this is not how I envisioned my return, perhaps a little flair is lacking, but hey, this is Jamrock and I am here to rant so here goes…

Firstly, I am in a slight predicament. A short outing this afternoon has left me struggling to decide what designation I will give this day, Monday November 18, 2013. It is a toss-up between BWIT Day and BED Day. What???!!

BWIT = Big Women in Tights Day versus BED = Blinkin’ Eediaaat Drivers Day (To be grammatically correct it should really be Blinking Idiot Drivers Day or BID).

In the space of one hour I counted 17 women in tights!! I would love to know who the dickance re-introduced the wearing of tights or leggings out in public as if they are jeans or regular pants??!!!  Back in the “old” days you only wore tights under your baby doll dress or with a long t-shirt or blouse that was almost at your knees!!!! At least the female ass-ets were totally covered and that was fine!

Fast forward to 2013 and all that has changed! Tights are now being paired with short blouses, crop tops, tank tops – the key seems to be making sure that all of the ass-ets are fully exposed! Oh and for special effect some wear skimpy tops with padded/push up bras that seem to be two sizes too small.

Multi-colored leggings

Anyway, of the 17 women I counted in tights 11 of them were big women!!! Seriously! I am not going to get technical on what fashion industry standards constitute as a “big woman”. By the way, let me just say that I still do not get the notion that “00” is actually a dress size! What is that??

Face it as women we come in different sizes and shapes. Aside from the airbrushed celebrities and models in the media as women we are not all the “perfect 10”. HOWEVER, and I am quite serious here, some fashions are not for everybody! Not because you can afford to buy something which is the current trend means that you should buy or wear it!!!

Leopard print leggings

In my honest opinion, if you are a “level 3 or 4” woman (meaning you have 3 or 4 levels or “folds” to your mid-section) plus an extra big, jiggling behind that makes Kim Kardashian’s butt looks miniature in comparison – PLEASE STAY AWAY from the leggings and short blouses, DO ME A BEG YUH!! I don’t care that “Christmas” is approaching and that your family in New York has shipped “2 barrels” with a number of tights of all different colors, leopard prints or abstract designs. Remember, leggings or tights are not generally meant to be worn as a pair of pants! It has nothing to do with “confidence” or having a “high self esteem”. Whatever outfit you choose as a female should enhance your appearance not  detract from it.

Now for my local Jamrock residents, I have few quick questions: Was the Road Code revised recently? When the heck did overtaking on the unbroken white line or on a corner become legal? (Actually overtaking on the corner is downright ‘TUPID!!) Is it now acceptable to blow your horn near a school? How about parking a BIG, DUTTY OLD TRUCK up on a sidewalk forcing pedestrians, including small children, to walk in the busy thoroughfare?  True, I have noticed an increase in these infractions lately but today I witnessed all of them in a short span of time!!! 

Did I mention the MORON in the silver BMW who was “texting” while driving??!!! YES!! He actually had his head down texting away while driving! I have designated him “EEEDIAT Driver of the month”!

So tell me, what should it be BWIT Day or BED Day?

Beauty Contests...

"Beauty is in the eye of the beholder"

  

A couple of weeks ago I overheard two men engaged in a rather “lively” conversation concerning a news item.

“You mean sey dat a big, big politician like dat no ha’ nuttin’ better fi do wid him time but a comment ‘bout di beauty queen dem?” the man with the cornrow hairstyle and sunglasses asked shaking his head in obvious disbelief.

“A dat we a pay dem fi do! Fi WASTE WI TAX DOLLARS! Before him go look ‘bout di nation business; go fix di pothole and bad road dem and create some job fi di yute dem inna ‘im constituency ‘im a talk ‘bout who no shape good!! Massa Gad help wi inna dis yah country!! Look what ‘im a focus pon?! Eeeh??? Big Member of Parliament like dat a talk say di gurl shape like di Jamaican economy to #$%%&***#!!!” replied the older gentleman with a washed-out red towel over his head.

“See it deh! ‘im have to apologize to di young lady ‘cause dat a pure careless talk fi one leader! And even ef she nuh shape good a she dem gi di best figure prize!!!” the younger man said.

Were it not for this exchange and reading a subsequent newspaper article, I would have remained totally clueless as to what was taking place. The reason is, I had stopped watching or following up local and international beauty contests for about a decade or so believe it or not. Although my little island has a record of producing winners and top ranked contestants in the Miss World and Miss Universe contests, I personally thought there was a general “decline” in the “caliber” of contestants, some were actually “ugly” and the contests seemed superficial and boring.

 

Even the introduction of the phrase “Beauty with a purpose” did not change my view or rekindle my zeal for watching the contests. Folks seem to forget that these are BEAUTY CONTESTS! The contestant is supposed to be BEAUTIFUL AND have “purpose” and “brains”. However, these are not intellectual contests and so even if you are a doctor, lawyer or Indian chief, if you are “not” beautiful then please DON’T enter the contests!!

Yes, I know it seems as if my color is “green” from envy of the “beauties” but I actually am not. Beauty is indeed in the eyes of the beholder and some beholders need glasses, truth be told! I am almost CERTAIN some of the contestants were “tricked” by “well meaning” family and friends! N-E-V-E-R  E-V-E-R listen to family and friends as they love you “unconditionally” and will tell you anything and everything to boost your self-esteem and/or ego. How many times have you heard the contestants say “my family and friends encouraged me to enter”?

Many years ago, I knew a young lady who somehow thought she was beauty queen material. Without sounding too mean I often wondered WHY or better yet WHO was telling her that she had a chance of winning? She was an AVERAGE looking girl who with make-up looked attractive enough but NOT pretty. She was not eloquent or very intelligent whereby you could overlook what she lacked in the “looks” department. Without exaggeration, she entered every conceivable contest and always dropped out without even making the top ten. Worse of all it was costing her as she had to be buying outfits etc. She FINALLY got the drift when she was unsuccessful in the Festival Queen competition!

Clearly Ellie is not beauty contest material by even a stretch of the imagination…let’s just say “I am beautiful on the inside” besides my being an outspoken individual and not always “politically correct” would not augur well for an aspiring contestant. For example, one recurring question is/was “Why did you enter the contest?” The response invariably is: “To get some exposure”. What sort of exposure, I wonder? Of course, parading on stage before hundreds of persons decked in bikini and high heels; that seems to be enough exposure alright!!!!

If I were a contestant and was asked that question, I would look the interviewer in the eye and without batting an eyelid respond: “I am in it for THE MONEY! The cash prizes; the car; the chance to travel all over the world, that’s why I entered!!”

Anyway, these contestants should all be rewarded for their bravery as the hecklers in the crowd can be a mean bunch!

People are like stained - glass windows. They sparkle and shine when the sun is out, but when the darkness sets in; their true beauty is revealed only if there is a light from within.
                                    Elisabeth Kubler-Ross

Bottling

Bottling plant

Okay so today’s title is a tad misleading… I am not here to discuss the matter of “bottling” as in placing drinks or other liquids in a bottle as D&G or Wray & Nephew does. I actually would like to address the situation as per Ellie’s definition of “bottling” as in “flinging a bottle at someone, namely, an entertainer, comedian, performer”…basically somebody you paid to see perform.

Now, people, this idea or act of “bottling” is not a new concept to the Jamaican people. As a matter of fact, from as far back as 2002, I think (or even earlier than that), performers have been “bottled” by dissatisfied audiences. Even veteran artistes, (Frankie Paul comes to mind) are not immune to having bottles hurled at them. Whether it is a Sting reggae show, Elephant N friends or Xmas Extravaganza; from Jamworld in Portmore to Pier One Montego Bay to Black River, St. Elizabeth, Jamaicans are some SERIOUS bottle flingers! By the way, there are some who, not having bottles to throw, are quite resourceful and use stones instead. Of course, I cannot tell you which of the two inflicts more pain.

Once bottles start to fly pandemonium follows. MCs sometimes have to take cover behind speaker boxes; artistes have to run off stage; members of the audience scatter in all directions - sometimes leaving their shoes behind just to “escape” the bottles being thrown. No, Ellie does NOT go to such events however, based on some eyewitness accounts being at the venue on such an occasion is extremely hazardous:

“Blow-wow Junie, a whe’ yuh did dey when dem start fling di bakkle dem?”

“Mi did beside di chain link fence ‘cause mi just did get something fi drink and by di time mi look a pure bakkle a sail over mi head”

“Yuh lucky say a over yuh head it go! One did lick Precious inna har head back, mi tink it did burst!”

“By di time me a look fi mi baby father fi say come mek we leave a just one whole heap a people a run all ‘bout and a shove mi, mi haffi cuss too claawt and tell dem no push me. But missis, me gold slippaz strap dem pop out me had was fi walk barefoot come down!”

“Gyal, di people dem all tear down the chain link fence to rahtid!”

Just visualize the scenario…chaos…just like a cattle stampede!! My goodness! I can see some of those on the heftier side of life drop off their heels and hightail it out of the venue just like their skinny counterparts!

Anyway, it seems to me that in recent years the promoters etc have tried to cut down on the bottle throwing incidents through the introduction of certain measures. Therefore, I rarely if ever hear of any “bottling” going on nowadays.

Imagine my utter shock when I realize that now, in 2013, the “bottling” business has moved overseas with the recent “bottling” of my beloved Grammy award winning Toots Hibbert (he of Toots and the Maytals fame) during a music festival in Richmond, Virginia, U.S.A!

My big question is WHO would do such a thing? Okay we already know it’s a 19 year old punk kid. Is he of Jamaican heritage? WHO taught him about bottling??!!!!

Poor Toots was hit in the head and had to seek medical attention. How di dickance yuh can a fling bakkle and hit a 70 year old man?!!! Suppose he died? From today’s dailies I gather that Toots has now filed a multi-million dollars lawsuit against the perpetrator. Serves him right! Toots had to cancel his tour and imagine all the folks who were hoping to see this legendary singer perform! I hope the “perp” is incarcerated and that the Virginia Department of Corrections gives him inmate identification # 54-46 in tribute to that great song by Toots! http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GZPmWdBWOeQ

Licenses

Today’s topic, ladies and gentlemen, is Licenses.

Let’s see…there is the Driver’s License; Pilot’s License; Motorcycle License; Boat driver’s license - to name a few. But guess what? Miss Ellie is proposing yet another license…tedious BUT most essential in this day and age, in my opinion.

I would LOVE to see the introduction of a Walker’s/Pedestrian License (no, no, no this one would be FREE once you past a rigorous test). You see, I find that as “disgusting” and “dangerous” as motorists can be, pedestrians can be as disgusting and hazardous! Face it folks ALL of us are pedestrians even when we own a motor vehicle.

The big  problem is that too many persons seem to be CLUELESS on how to walk or use the roads and sidewalk (even though sidewalks are practically non-existent in some cases) and generally seem oblivious as to how to “walk” with due consideration of other “walkers”.

Picture this: I am walking through the mall, humming “Affairs of the Heart” by Damion “Junior Gong” Marley,http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bT7RvkjFto8 keeping to the left as I pass by a number of stores. Suddenly out of the corner of my eye there is flash of orange and white, as a door swings open and a hulk of a man steps across my path! I barely avoided bumping into him fully although I believe my size seven did touch the heel of his size 13 sneakers!!! Not that he would have noticed…

“Yow mi daaawg! Whey u deh? Mi no see yuh?!! Come down now. Me in front a di shop” while chatting on his Blackberry!! Yes, I am still trying to figure out this matter of calling your friends “dogs”.

Tell me, how many of you have had people a) walk across your path (b) bump into you, because they are distracted whether chatting on the phone, fixing something, rummaging in their handbags or something (c) stop abruptly in front of you (d) all of the above

I strongly believe that the way an individual walks is a good indication of how he or she behaves once behind the steering wheel!

Imagine the case I mentioned earlier. If we were actually operating motor vehicles he, coming out of the “minor road” (the store) should have waited until the way was clear before he proceeded onto the “main road” i.e. outside of the store. Chances are, however, that if he were actually driving he would have driven out onto the main road without looking and thus cause an accident.

Why should I even care? Because it is very frustrating when people don’t “walk” properly and create a nuisance!

Recently, I was walking in a business center. It was lunch time and the place was teeming with people. I was walking behind a damsel in sky-high heels that seemed to be having problems walking in them.

She stopped suddenly and I almost bumped into her. Of course, I would have been at fault as I should not have been walking so closely behind but I was in a hurry and the place was kind of congested. Before I could pass her she started moving again and unexpectedly her hand jutted outward as she gesticulated wildly in an effort to get her point across to the person she was speaking with on her cell phone.

I sigh and decided to walk to the extreme right just to avoid this woman when no sooner than I started to do that she somehow drifted across my path! Just like those drivers who DRIFT ACROSS LANES! Stay in your lane!!!

By now Ellie’s patience was worn thin. I could have been seriously injured if she stepped on my foot with one of those daggers...er...shoes.

Without even realizing it I hissed my teeth really, really loudly. My eyebrows became” unibrows” and my hazel eyes became RED! Did I actually say “Cho backside!” out loud for her to hear? Or was it the speed at which I “overtook” her coupled with the glare I gave in the process that prompted her to say “Sorry”.

Please do me a favor folks, just be cognizant of your environment and remember to show some consideration to your fellow pedestrians…that is all I am asking.