Thursday, 7 March 2013

Memory Lane



What a strange sight to behold on the streets of Kingston in 2013! Am I seeing right? Do you think the man with the donkey cart would mind if I take his picture or would he tell me a few choice Jamaican “claawts” not sold in our finest fabric stores?!!!

I am amazed and most fascinated at seeing a man on a donkey cart on our busy thoroughfare. It seems as if he is selling coal or something. Wow! I have not even seen a real donkey in decades!! Well, because of my “exuberance” at seeing this sight I was told that the reason for the decline in the donkey population was because they were “sold” to the Haitians by our locals as meat…actually they said they were exchanged for guns…yep…guns for meat trade!! How utterly quaint! Did the Haitians know that they were being given donkey meat instead of beef?? EEEEEEEWWWW!!!

Donkey
Anyway, I was glad to see the man with the donkey cart even though he was trying to move quickly out of the path of a speeding coaster bus. It reminded me of a time in my youth when donkey carts ruled! Do you remember when a man would pass along the road buying pint bottles? “Heee pi-nt bakkle” (was that supposed to be half pint and pint bottles?) he would almost sing as he went along.

Oh! There was also the Rasta decked out in his full long garb and head wrap who sold brooms! Remember those straw brooms? Of course we all had them!!!! His refrain was one that we would sing from the confines of our homes lest he thought we were buying brooms “House broom, yard broom and cobweb brooooooom man….Broooomie…”

Then you had the peanut vendor who sold his ital and salted nuts from a whistling cart...mmmmmmm those you got nice and hot!

Worthy of honorable mention is our dearly beloved “Fudgie” who would ride through the neighborhood on the weekends or weekdays if it were summer holidays to sell fudge, icicle, ice-cream cones, ice cream cake, nutty buddy and zooper dooper (ice cream sandwich for the young buds reading this). You could hear the horn from down the street as he called out “Fudgie, icicle, ice cream and nutty buddy…”

 In time he upgraded from a bicycle to a bike and so you had to be quicker on your feet to get the money and shoot through the grille before he flew by on his bike. Otherwise you would have to run as fast as you can and holler out “FUDGIE!!!” as loud as you can so he can hear you and turn back.

Did we CARE that fudgie was handling money even as he served you an unwrapped cone??! NOPE!!!

Before the introduction of hand sanitizers, did it occur to us that maybe it was not the most “healthy” thing to buy certain things not knowing where or how fudgie relieved himself?? NOOOPE! We did not care one iota. We thoroughly enjoyed our cones! Germs and all!

Now that I am on a roll down memory lane, I recall some rather strange words and expressions that I heard as a child from a now deceased relative who seemed to have had her very own vocabulary.

For example, one day I overheard her talking rather loudly on the telephone to her friend about the chilly weather:-

“Mi say Mazie, what a way laast night cowl? Mi tell yuh say mi did cowl bad, bad, you never feel it?”
(I do not know what Mazie’s response was or if she was cold or not...)

“Mazie, a piece a cowl lick mi in a mi efficacy you see, mi could hardly drop asleep!”

Naturally, I have been trying to figure out ever since which part of the anatomy is the “efficacy”. Furthermore, nobody else seems to know where it is either! Perhaps the “efficacy” is close to the “salime bone” which might be broken if you suffer a fall? Who knows for sure.

After years of hearing “Ellie, pass di pun pan fi me” I really thought that “pun pan” was actually the correct name for a “pudding pan” because that is what she called it.

And how can I forget her expressions of “Yuh want fi go a wukhouse?” I subsequently discovered that “wukhouse” (workhouse) referred to prison! Apparently back in the days being sent to prison meant that you had to do hard labor. Yes, you actually had to WORK! No vacation time watching t.v., getting fat and having a good time behind bars.

Also on the list of favorite phrases to use was “PUPA JEEEEZAS” to express surprise or when disappointed and/or surprised you would likely hear “JEEEEZAS WEP’” – Jesus wept….why?

Even though I am a roll down memory lane and enjoying the fun memories, I have to hit the brakes and roll into bed as it is now past my bed time!

What are your fondest memories of yesteryear?



Out-of-Control Kids



It is 10:00 p.m., it’s raining and the temperature is cool. Surely, all decent hardworking individuals should be preparing for bed now, correct? So WHY is Ellie sitting at her keyboard typing away? Because, I have something pressing on my mind that I need to get off before I go to sleep.

No, no, no! It has nothing to do with the devaluation of the dollar or the stagnant economy. In fact it is not of any national significance but it is of great importance to me.

While in the pharmacy I had the misfortune of standing behind a mother and son duo. The son seemed to be about 9 years old and was small in stature. He was quite fidgety, which is fairly “normal” for kids especially boys.

As he kept moving from side to side, back and forth, bouncing on people and shelves the mother at first glared at him to stop but to no avail.

“Kip quiet no bwoy! Stop move, move all over di place” were her first audible words.
 “Mummy, buy dis fi mi” he said handing his mother a big chocolate bar.
“No, put it back Jason, not today” she immediately said.
“Mummy, buy dis one fi me den” he presented her the option of a snicker bar.
“Jason, mi don’t have enough money so put it back” she replied.

After cutting through the line without as much as “excuse me please”, the child disappeared down the aisle and returned with potato chips.

“Buy dis instead” he said as he tried to hand her the potato chips.
“Jason, wha’ wrong wid yuh?!!! Mi no have no money ongle enough fi pay fi di medicine!”

Before you knew it the boy loudly hissed his teeth and said “you too mean” and grumbled as he went to return the item.

Did this “likkle pissin’ tail bwoy” just kiss ‘im teeth after him mother? I can’t believe it!!! It is even more incredulous that she did not give him a back hand to send him sprawling down the aisle. You see, if Ellie were to have tried that stunt as a child rest assured that I would have been wearing dentures as my mother would have knocked out my teeth right then and there!

This child is totally disrespectful. He needs to be taught some manners and discipline! Sadly, many of the parents nowadays lack manners and discipline hence cannot pass on what they don’t have themselves. This pickney is not the only youngster displaying such rotten behavior! Society has changed drastically. If you discipline your child soon you are accused or charged for child abuse. Ellie thinks its time to revert to the “olden days” where children were instilled with principles and knew what was acceptable and unacceptable conduct.

Parents do not think that your kids are too pretty or too cute to be disciplined! When they are rude and disrespectful, regardless of their physical beauty they become very, very UGLY and people will not like them!

“Munchie, no Mary likkle gyal dat?”
“It look like har, yes”
“A hope a no yah so she a come you know ‘cause she too out-a-orda and no have no mannaz”
“A true man! She no have not a drap a mannaz and a so she ugly put pon top of it. Ef she did good looking it would a bad an’ no too bad!”

Parents/guardians, if you don’t train them early they will not only embarrass you in public; they might just end up in jail or both of you become guests on the Dr. Phil show with you crying that “I don’t know what to do… (sob, sob) I just can’t control him or her”... your kid is then carted off to some special camp to try to “readjust” the delinquent.

Bend di tree fram it young!




Tuesday, 5 March 2013

Lottery Scam



Nothing in life is free

Truthfully, how many times have you heard that phrase?!! For the past two years or so, this “lotto scam” thing has taken over and it is just too much! The fact that the government is now in the process of putting in legislation to deal with this dreadful multi-million dollar problem – the root of many feuds and gruesome deaths among the scammers – highlights just how serious and widespread this scourge is.

I just read in today’s Gleaner that noted American journalist Dan Rather is seeking victims of lotto scam for his program which will air sometime during this month. http://jamaica-gleaner.com/latest/article.php?id=43252 . So you see it “we name gone abroad again” ...in a negative manner!

Whereas I despise dishonest, crook-ish people in general – inclusive of scammers – I cannot for the life of me understand how some people so “ ’tupid ” to get scammed in the first place!!!

How the heck can you call me and tell me that I “won a lottery” or “won US$1,000,000” when a) I never bought a ticket (b) Never bought any product which had a million dollar promotional get-up attached (c) Don’t know anybody who would buy me a ticket to win the million dollar which they would rather keep for themselves.

To collect your “winnings” you will first have to “pay” some “fees” and so you need to “wire” money to him/her so as to cover the costs of fees. People, use COMMON SENSE (even though the word on the street is that common sense is not too common after all), why should you have to pay to collect winnings?

Late one night, while in the midst of an assignment, I got a text message. At first when the text came in I was wondering “which eeediat a send me a text at minutes to midnight”. I read the text which told me “I was the lucky winner of US$250,000 plus a 2012 F-150 truck” and that I needed “to pay processing fees of US $25,000” and thus I was to contact a specific number as soon as possible.  Did I mention that the text was coming from Ecuador? Me nuh know nobady inna Ecuador!

Therefore, in true Miss Ellie fashion, I wrote them back a quick text (fortunately I had enough credit on my phone) and politely told them to “Please take the processing fee of US$25,000 out of my US$250,000 winnings. After you have done that please text me again and I will tell you where to send the balance for me. I do not need the F-150. Thanks!”

Apparently I was not as lucky as the text had said…they never even bothered to acknowledge my text.

I would really like to find out what goes through the mind a “scamming” victim. What are they thinking?  You send and send and send all the money that you have and more, only to find out eventually that you have been bamboozled and have lost your retirement funds, house, everything.  You are a broken man or woman…
Anyway, bottom line is: do not fall prey to scammers! You simply CANNOT “win”  money without buying a ticket or making a purchase of a product or service. 

DO NOT BE GREEDY!

Friday, 1 March 2013

Cops Gone Wild!



"Born to be Wild..."
           - Steppenwolf


 
 Okay, so many of you would rather be reading about or watching  Girls Gone Wild, however, today we have a more serious issue to attend to namely, “cops gone wild”.

Nooooooooo!!!!!! This is not a blog about young and young at heart cops frolicking on the beach in the nude or semi nude state!!

Since the start of this week, I have been overwhelmed by several local and international media reports about policemen involved in various crimes!!! Did I say policemen involved in CRIME??!!! How utterly shocking!! Sadly, this problem of rogue or bad cops is clearly not limited to Jamrock, my blog reading fans.

First of all, can someone explain to me how the DICKANCE can “a corporal assigned to the Anti Corruption Branch in Montego Bay, who is currently on vacation leave...” be implicated in a robbery in Westmoreland? His accomplices, who were caught, include a special constable and a civilian. Obviously, the cop on the run made better use of his police training to elude his colleagues but let’s see how long he will be on the run. [Read story here athttp://jamaica-gleaner.com/latest/article.php?id=43176 ] Fortunately, he is not an ex-cop on a murderous mission as per the late Christopher Dorner as that would be too tragic.

Imagine a conversation of a rogue cop:-

“Corpie, me hear say is a whole heap a shots fire over backland yesterday. Di bwoy dem a gwaan bad! Dem want some discipline! Look how we haffi a dodge bullet day and night and work dem wicked hours and nuttin a gwaan fi we and government a talk ‘bout wage freeze!!”

“Look, dem can talk ‘bout wage freeze all dem want. Mi haffi look out fi myself. You no see how di politicians dem FAT like cow?! Dem quite alright.  My plans set already. I done apply for some leave from next week so you nah go see me fi a likkle while”

“Yeah? You a go a New York go cool out?”

“No, mi never get di visa! Embassy tun mi down, but me good.  Me going to Negril and North Coast. I have some business to look ‘bout”

Negril Beach -Wikipedia
Of course, policemen in general do not take their vacation time to go on crime sprees! However, one cannot help but wonder how many felonies involve policemen, who have sworn to “serve, protect and reassure”.

Mind you this latest episode yesterday comes on the heels of an incident earlier this week where three cops – including a policewoman - were arrested following the escape of a prisoner, who by the way was found hiding at the policewoman’s home…go figure! [Read story here: http://jamaica-gleaner.com/gleaner/20130228/lead/lead7.html

Oh, please don’t think for a moment that cops are not implicated in sex crimes either. Yes, another report this week [ http://jamaica-star.com/thestar/20130227/news/news1.html ].

Now lest you think that only cops from Jamrock have gone totally wild, think again. There is great international outrage now about cops in South Africa who have been charged with the murder of a South African taxi driver who was handcuffed to a police vehicle and dragged. This was caught on videotape


“How absolutely barbaric! These third world countries have such savages” you reason.

Think again!

Texas cop fired for shooting 41 times at suspect, killing him” – [: http://usnews.nbcnews.com/_news/2013/03/01/17143423-texas-cop-fired-for-shooting-41-times-at-suspect-killing-him?lite= ]  Oh yes, it happens in the great big USA too!

In light of the foregoing, I would like to propose that this week of Sunday February 24 – Saturday, March 2, 2013 be officially declared “Cops Gone Wild Week”. What say you?