You are Not the Father!

“Gina, yuh did know dat Mellow have baby Wednesday gone? Yes, one likkle girl, she come home now” a short, portly young lady dressed in ultra short jeans shorts and sporting micro braids eagerly explained.

“A wha’ yuh a say? Mi never even did know say Mellow pregnant again? A who fa baby?” asked Gina the taller woman with a low, blonde-colored afro and huge fashion earrings.

“Pupa Jeezas! How you mean a who fa baby? Nuh mus’ Marlon pickney! You too out-a-order man!” replied the angry woman.

“Me no out-a-order, is a good question me a ask you! Look pon di first pickney wha’ she say a Marlon pickney! NOBODY no haffi ask if a no one real JACKET dat Mello gi di man!! First of all, Marlon a black, black man, real Maroon and Mello she is a black ‘oman like myself ongle say she no stop bleach out her skin. But LOOK di likkle bwoy, Mario, him B-R-O-W-N and have soft, pretty hair and favor one Indian pickney, how dat happen?? EEEhh, answer mi dat question!! A no Marlon son! Mellow too wicked, a di man money she want!!!!” was the retort.

“Well, I can’t answer dat, I was not dere when di pickney conceive all me know say sometimes a genetics why children look different from di parents dem” she dejectedly answered.

DNA

Now, had they asked me my expert opinion, I would have quickly answered the question AND referred them to the DNA show…oops I meant the Maury show where every striking time I happen to watch it is about paternity tests! Women trying to determine who the baby daddy is!!!! GOOD GRIEF MAN! Why so many women in America are sleeping around with multiple partners is BEYOND me! Some of the guests are repeat ones, testing two, three, four different men! As far as I am concerned if you have to test so many different men then you are obviously engaged in what is termed…”the world’s oldest profession”! Seriously!

Also think these women and their supporters (insert her mother, sister, aunt, best friend, even the paternal grandmother here) look STUPID!

“I am 110% sure that XXXX is the father of my baby” they usually shriek.

This is immediately followed by them running up to the picture of the baby/kid alongside the “alleged sperm donor” and invariably they seek to point out similarities “Look at the eyes; look at these big-ass ears...look at the nose they have the same nose…”

Then, Maury reads the results “When it comes to the paternity of (baby/child), XXXX you are NOT the father.

The silly woman ends up running off stage faster than Olympian Shelly-Ann Fraser-Pryce, face covered, tears flowing like the Rio Cobre. Those overly dramatic ones fall to the floor backstage and then Maury has to go over and provide some words of comfort - usually an offer to test any other candidate she can think of who might remotely be the baby daddy – and give her a hug.

Clearly, all this drama could have been avoided if they were monogamous just STOP SLEEPING AROUND!! SHEESH!

A word of advice to the women, if you KNOW that you had been cheating on your spouse or you have multiple partners, do me a favor, DON’T COME ON NATIONAL TELEVISION and embarrass yourselves when you say you are 1000% sure XXXX is your baby daddy and yet the DNA proves otherwise. It is just as bad as the cheaters/liars that come on television and take lie detector tests and then look incredulous when the lies are exposed.

Over the past year or two seemingly EVERY woman of childbearing age has been exercising her reproductive rights both locally and internationally and this is overwhelming to those who feel the urge prove that they are not “mules” by having children. I am also sick and tired of hearing that STUPID phrase “baby bump”!! Not to mention all those celebrities who have recently given birth or are pregnant or will get pregnant before the year ends…Man, this is simply mind-boggling. As a matter of fact, I no longer wonder, who is pregnant, I simply ask who is not pregnant?