You are Not the Father!

“Gina, yuh did know dat Mellow have baby Wednesday gone? Yes, one likkle girl, she come home now” a short, portly young lady dressed in ultra short jeans shorts and sporting micro braids eagerly explained.

“A wha’ yuh a say? Mi never even did know say Mellow pregnant again? A who fa baby?” asked Gina the taller woman with a low, blonde-colored afro and huge fashion earrings.

“Pupa Jeezas! How you mean a who fa baby? Nuh mus’ Marlon pickney! You too out-a-order man!” replied the angry woman.

“Me no out-a-order, is a good question me a ask you! Look pon di first pickney wha’ she say a Marlon pickney! NOBODY no haffi ask if a no one real JACKET dat Mello gi di man!! First of all, Marlon a black, black man, real Maroon and Mello she is a black ‘oman like myself ongle say she no stop bleach out her skin. But LOOK di likkle bwoy, Mario, him B-R-O-W-N and have soft, pretty hair and favor one Indian pickney, how dat happen?? EEEhh, answer mi dat question!! A no Marlon son! Mellow too wicked, a di man money she want!!!!” was the retort.

“Well, I can’t answer dat, I was not dere when di pickney conceive all me know say sometimes a genetics why children look different from di parents dem” she dejectedly answered.

DNA

Now, had they asked me my expert opinion, I would have quickly answered the question AND referred them to the DNA show…oops I meant the Maury show where every striking time I happen to watch it is about paternity tests! Women trying to determine who the baby daddy is!!!! GOOD GRIEF MAN! Why so many women in America are sleeping around with multiple partners is BEYOND me! Some of the guests are repeat ones, testing two, three, four different men! As far as I am concerned if you have to test so many different men then you are obviously engaged in what is termed…”the world’s oldest profession”! Seriously!

Also think these women and their supporters (insert her mother, sister, aunt, best friend, even the paternal grandmother here) look STUPID!

“I am 110% sure that XXXX is the father of my baby” they usually shriek.

This is immediately followed by them running up to the picture of the baby/kid alongside the “alleged sperm donor” and invariably they seek to point out similarities “Look at the eyes; look at these big-ass ears...look at the nose they have the same nose…”

Then, Maury reads the results “When it comes to the paternity of (baby/child), XXXX you are NOT the father.

The silly woman ends up running off stage faster than Olympian Shelly-Ann Fraser-Pryce, face covered, tears flowing like the Rio Cobre. Those overly dramatic ones fall to the floor backstage and then Maury has to go over and provide some words of comfort - usually an offer to test any other candidate she can think of who might remotely be the baby daddy – and give her a hug.

Clearly, all this drama could have been avoided if they were monogamous just STOP SLEEPING AROUND!! SHEESH!

A word of advice to the women, if you KNOW that you had been cheating on your spouse or you have multiple partners, do me a favor, DON’T COME ON NATIONAL TELEVISION and embarrass yourselves when you say you are 1000% sure XXXX is your baby daddy and yet the DNA proves otherwise. It is just as bad as the cheaters/liars that come on television and take lie detector tests and then look incredulous when the lies are exposed.

Over the past year or two seemingly EVERY woman of childbearing age has been exercising her reproductive rights both locally and internationally and this is overwhelming to those who feel the urge prove that they are not “mules” by having children. I am also sick and tired of hearing that STUPID phrase “baby bump”!! Not to mention all those celebrities who have recently given birth or are pregnant or will get pregnant before the year ends…Man, this is simply mind-boggling. As a matter of fact, I no longer wonder, who is pregnant, I simply ask who is not pregnant?

BWIT Day versus BED Day

Greetings friends! After an unplanned three month hiatus, I am happy to be back! True, this is not how I envisioned my return, perhaps a little flair is lacking, but hey, this is Jamrock and I am here to rant so here goes…

Firstly, I am in a slight predicament. A short outing this afternoon has left me struggling to decide what designation I will give this day, Monday November 18, 2013. It is a toss-up between BWIT Day and BED Day. What???!!

BWIT = Big Women in Tights Day versus BED = Blinkin’ Eediaaat Drivers Day (To be grammatically correct it should really be Blinking Idiot Drivers Day or BID).

In the space of one hour I counted 17 women in tights!! I would love to know who the dickance re-introduced the wearing of tights or leggings out in public as if they are jeans or regular pants??!!!  Back in the “old” days you only wore tights under your baby doll dress or with a long t-shirt or blouse that was almost at your knees!!!! At least the female ass-ets were totally covered and that was fine!

Fast forward to 2013 and all that has changed! Tights are now being paired with short blouses, crop tops, tank tops – the key seems to be making sure that all of the ass-ets are fully exposed! Oh and for special effect some wear skimpy tops with padded/push up bras that seem to be two sizes too small.

Multi-colored leggings

Anyway, of the 17 women I counted in tights 11 of them were big women!!! Seriously! I am not going to get technical on what fashion industry standards constitute as a “big woman”. By the way, let me just say that I still do not get the notion that “00” is actually a dress size! What is that??

Face it as women we come in different sizes and shapes. Aside from the airbrushed celebrities and models in the media as women we are not all the “perfect 10”. HOWEVER, and I am quite serious here, some fashions are not for everybody! Not because you can afford to buy something which is the current trend means that you should buy or wear it!!!

Leopard print leggings

In my honest opinion, if you are a “level 3 or 4” woman (meaning you have 3 or 4 levels or “folds” to your mid-section) plus an extra big, jiggling behind that makes Kim Kardashian’s butt looks miniature in comparison – PLEASE STAY AWAY from the leggings and short blouses, DO ME A BEG YUH!! I don’t care that “Christmas” is approaching and that your family in New York has shipped “2 barrels” with a number of tights of all different colors, leopard prints or abstract designs. Remember, leggings or tights are not generally meant to be worn as a pair of pants! It has nothing to do with “confidence” or having a “high self esteem”. Whatever outfit you choose as a female should enhance your appearance not  detract from it.

Now for my local Jamrock residents, I have few quick questions: Was the Road Code revised recently? When the heck did overtaking on the unbroken white line or on a corner become legal? (Actually overtaking on the corner is downright ‘TUPID!!) Is it now acceptable to blow your horn near a school? How about parking a BIG, DUTTY OLD TRUCK up on a sidewalk forcing pedestrians, including small children, to walk in the busy thoroughfare?  True, I have noticed an increase in these infractions lately but today I witnessed all of them in a short span of time!!! 

Did I mention the MORON in the silver BMW who was “texting” while driving??!!! YES!! He actually had his head down texting away while driving! I have designated him “EEEDIAT Driver of the month”!

So tell me, what should it be BWIT Day or BED Day?

Beauty Contests...

"Beauty is in the eye of the beholder"

  

A couple of weeks ago I overheard two men engaged in a rather “lively” conversation concerning a news item.

“You mean sey dat a big, big politician like dat no ha’ nuttin’ better fi do wid him time but a comment ‘bout di beauty queen dem?” the man with the cornrow hairstyle and sunglasses asked shaking his head in obvious disbelief.

“A dat we a pay dem fi do! Fi WASTE WI TAX DOLLARS! Before him go look ‘bout di nation business; go fix di pothole and bad road dem and create some job fi di yute dem inna ‘im constituency ‘im a talk ‘bout who no shape good!! Massa Gad help wi inna dis yah country!! Look what ‘im a focus pon?! Eeeh??? Big Member of Parliament like dat a talk say di gurl shape like di Jamaican economy to #$%%&***#!!!” replied the older gentleman with a washed-out red towel over his head.

“See it deh! ‘im have to apologize to di young lady ‘cause dat a pure careless talk fi one leader! And even ef she nuh shape good a she dem gi di best figure prize!!!” the younger man said.

Were it not for this exchange and reading a subsequent newspaper article, I would have remained totally clueless as to what was taking place. The reason is, I had stopped watching or following up local and international beauty contests for about a decade or so believe it or not. Although my little island has a record of producing winners and top ranked contestants in the Miss World and Miss Universe contests, I personally thought there was a general “decline” in the “caliber” of contestants, some were actually “ugly” and the contests seemed superficial and boring.

 

Even the introduction of the phrase “Beauty with a purpose” did not change my view or rekindle my zeal for watching the contests. Folks seem to forget that these are BEAUTY CONTESTS! The contestant is supposed to be BEAUTIFUL AND have “purpose” and “brains”. However, these are not intellectual contests and so even if you are a doctor, lawyer or Indian chief, if you are “not” beautiful then please DON’T enter the contests!!

Yes, I know it seems as if my color is “green” from envy of the “beauties” but I actually am not. Beauty is indeed in the eyes of the beholder and some beholders need glasses, truth be told! I am almost CERTAIN some of the contestants were “tricked” by “well meaning” family and friends! N-E-V-E-R  E-V-E-R listen to family and friends as they love you “unconditionally” and will tell you anything and everything to boost your self-esteem and/or ego. How many times have you heard the contestants say “my family and friends encouraged me to enter”?

Many years ago, I knew a young lady who somehow thought she was beauty queen material. Without sounding too mean I often wondered WHY or better yet WHO was telling her that she had a chance of winning? She was an AVERAGE looking girl who with make-up looked attractive enough but NOT pretty. She was not eloquent or very intelligent whereby you could overlook what she lacked in the “looks” department. Without exaggeration, she entered every conceivable contest and always dropped out without even making the top ten. Worse of all it was costing her as she had to be buying outfits etc. She FINALLY got the drift when she was unsuccessful in the Festival Queen competition!

Clearly Ellie is not beauty contest material by even a stretch of the imagination…let’s just say “I am beautiful on the inside” besides my being an outspoken individual and not always “politically correct” would not augur well for an aspiring contestant. For example, one recurring question is/was “Why did you enter the contest?” The response invariably is: “To get some exposure”. What sort of exposure, I wonder? Of course, parading on stage before hundreds of persons decked in bikini and high heels; that seems to be enough exposure alright!!!!

If I were a contestant and was asked that question, I would look the interviewer in the eye and without batting an eyelid respond: “I am in it for THE MONEY! The cash prizes; the car; the chance to travel all over the world, that’s why I entered!!”

Anyway, these contestants should all be rewarded for their bravery as the hecklers in the crowd can be a mean bunch!

People are like stained - glass windows. They sparkle and shine when the sun is out, but when the darkness sets in; their true beauty is revealed only if there is a light from within.
                                    Elisabeth Kubler-Ross

Bottling

Bottling plant

Okay so today’s title is a tad misleading… I am not here to discuss the matter of “bottling” as in placing drinks or other liquids in a bottle as D&G or Wray & Nephew does. I actually would like to address the situation as per Ellie’s definition of “bottling” as in “flinging a bottle at someone, namely, an entertainer, comedian, performer”…basically somebody you paid to see perform.

Now, people, this idea or act of “bottling” is not a new concept to the Jamaican people. As a matter of fact, from as far back as 2002, I think (or even earlier than that), performers have been “bottled” by dissatisfied audiences. Even veteran artistes, (Frankie Paul comes to mind) are not immune to having bottles hurled at them. Whether it is a Sting reggae show, Elephant N friends or Xmas Extravaganza; from Jamworld in Portmore to Pier One Montego Bay to Black River, St. Elizabeth, Jamaicans are some SERIOUS bottle flingers! By the way, there are some who, not having bottles to throw, are quite resourceful and use stones instead. Of course, I cannot tell you which of the two inflicts more pain.

Once bottles start to fly pandemonium follows. MCs sometimes have to take cover behind speaker boxes; artistes have to run off stage; members of the audience scatter in all directions - sometimes leaving their shoes behind just to “escape” the bottles being thrown. No, Ellie does NOT go to such events however, based on some eyewitness accounts being at the venue on such an occasion is extremely hazardous:

“Blow-wow Junie, a whe’ yuh did dey when dem start fling di bakkle dem?”

“Mi did beside di chain link fence ‘cause mi just did get something fi drink and by di time mi look a pure bakkle a sail over mi head”

“Yuh lucky say a over yuh head it go! One did lick Precious inna har head back, mi tink it did burst!”

“By di time me a look fi mi baby father fi say come mek we leave a just one whole heap a people a run all ‘bout and a shove mi, mi haffi cuss too claawt and tell dem no push me. But missis, me gold slippaz strap dem pop out me had was fi walk barefoot come down!”

“Gyal, di people dem all tear down the chain link fence to rahtid!”

Just visualize the scenario…chaos…just like a cattle stampede!! My goodness! I can see some of those on the heftier side of life drop off their heels and hightail it out of the venue just like their skinny counterparts!

Anyway, it seems to me that in recent years the promoters etc have tried to cut down on the bottle throwing incidents through the introduction of certain measures. Therefore, I rarely if ever hear of any “bottling” going on nowadays.

Imagine my utter shock when I realize that now, in 2013, the “bottling” business has moved overseas with the recent “bottling” of my beloved Grammy award winning Toots Hibbert (he of Toots and the Maytals fame) during a music festival in Richmond, Virginia, U.S.A!

My big question is WHO would do such a thing? Okay we already know it’s a 19 year old punk kid. Is he of Jamaican heritage? WHO taught him about bottling??!!!!

Poor Toots was hit in the head and had to seek medical attention. How di dickance yuh can a fling bakkle and hit a 70 year old man?!!! Suppose he died? From today’s dailies I gather that Toots has now filed a multi-million dollars lawsuit against the perpetrator. Serves him right! Toots had to cancel his tour and imagine all the folks who were hoping to see this legendary singer perform! I hope the “perp” is incarcerated and that the Virginia Department of Corrections gives him inmate identification # 54-46 in tribute to that great song by Toots! http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GZPmWdBWOeQ